Meddling with Princesses
by Zeplerfer
Summary: In which Arthur is a rebellious princess, Alfred is a clueless knight, Francis is a dashing prince, and Kiku is the dragon that has to put up with all of them. USUK. Loosely based on 'Dealing with Dragons.'
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **This is the story of how Princess Arthur made friends with a dragon, fell in love with a knight, and avoided marrying his fiancé, prince Francis. Includes magic spells, fortune cookies, and talking frogs.

**Pairings:** USUK (main), LietPol (secondary), and a few minor pairings I'm leaving unidentified to avoid spoilers.

**Rating: **Will likely stay K+ for the whole story. Involves slight language, a few kisses, and some read-between-the-lines innuendos.

**Source material:** Basic plot premise sorta borrowed from _Dealing with Dragons_, but you don't need to know anything about that story to understand this one.

* * *

"Do not meddle in the affairs of princesses, for they are subtle and quick to anger."

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Runaway Princess**

_In which two countries sign a marriage treaty, Arthur gains a fiance and a title, and Kiku receives a delivery of more than just tea.  
_

On a warm spring day, the Kingdoms of Gallia and Albion agreed to set aside centuries of animosity in favor of a new alliance. As a sign of their commitment to peace, the royalty of each country signed a treaty pledging that a Gallic Prince would marry an Alban Princess. The Alban Queen was pregnant with her first child and hoped to be blessed with a baby daughter. Instead, she gave birth to son (Scott)….

…after son (James)…

…after son (Dylan)…

…after son (Arthur).

For nearly fourteen years after signing the treaty, the King and Queen of Albion tried increasingly desperate measures to ensure the birth of a daughter (rose tea in the evening, pink sheets on their bed, and even a flowery pagan fertility ritual), but none succeeded. Their four sons were only six years apart, but as more and more years passed, the royal couple feared they would never have another child after Arthur. When all hope seemed lost, the queen finally gave birth to her fifth child.

They named him Peter.

At this point, the royal couple re-read the peace treaty and realized that nothing specifically said the Alban Princess _had_ to be a girl. They chose their prettiest son and gave him a tiara, sewing lessons, and a new title.

Despite the teasing from his brothers, Princess Arthur learned to enjoy the feminine arts (embroidery, cooking, dancing, and gardening). But he never learned to love his fiancé, the snooty, obnoxious, and disgustingly _Gallic_ Prince Francis. The boys spent each summer together, switching off kingdoms every year. Enjoying the newfound prosperity garnered by their countries' alliance, both sets of royal parents hoped that love would blossom in time, but even if it didn't, they let both boys know that they were expected to do their duty.

* * *

On a warm spring day, Princess Arthur perched on his window seat reading his favorite book and attempting to distract himself from the noise and commotion as servants removed the boxes that covered every inch of his room. Books, clothes, and nearly all of Arthur's personal belongings filled the multitude of boxes. Arthur watched with equanimity as the servants removed all of his personal touches from the room. Very soon, it would not be his room any longer.

Arthur's mother directed the packing and loading with a careful eye, making sure that not a single item was left behind. She called for a break, giving the grateful servants a few minutes to get a drink. During the lull, the Queen took the opportunity to sit next to her second-youngest, giving him a fond smile. Arthur had always been her closest child.

"How are you holding up, poppet?" she asked softly.

Arthur shrugged. "I'm fine."

She squeezed his shoulders with a brief hug. "Your father would be so proud of you. I know it can be scary to move to a new country, but I'm sure you'll be very happy. And there will be plenty of occasions to visit."

"Of course, mum."

"I'm glad you're taking this well. I was a bit worried…"

"That I would throw a tantrum?" Arthur rolled his eyes. "Mum, I'm nearly twenty-one."

They both looked up as Peter rushed into the room, knocking over a few boxes. The almost-teenager surveyed the room with a broad smile and sparking eyes.

"Hey Artie, why are you still here? This is my room now."

"Not yet, brat." Arthur scowled. Peter had been a cute child once, at least before he understood Arthur's position as princess, but now he was a constant pest.

"Peter! You pick up those boxes right now and you take them down to the carriage," the Queen ordered, scolding her youngest child. He whined, but did as he was told.

Arthur patted his mother's hand. "It'll be alright. You don't have to worry, I've got things planned out."

She smiled and relaxed. "Good, I'll get back to the packing." She rose, carefully holding her long skirts as she directed servants to remove the last of the boxes.

Arthur turned back to his book and smiled to himself. He knew why his mother was worried—the first few years after gaining his new title, Arthur had thrown a fit each time he had to pack to leave for Gallia for the summer. Now that it was time for the wedding, it would be a permanent move. Everyone expected him to be extremely upset, but Arthur had been telling the truth, he did have a plan. He just forgot to mention that marrying Francis wasn't part of his plan.

* * *

Arthur watched the countryside glide past. The beautiful rolling hills filled with white sheep. The lush grass and foliage kept constantly green by soft misty rain. The small rustic villages that dotted the landscape. He tried to commit it all to memory, not knowing when he would see it again.

After two days of travel, as they neared the mountainous region separating Albion and Gaul, the servants and guards relaxed, assuming that Arthur had finally resigned himself to his fate. They couldn't be more wrong.

Using the ability to move carefully and silently honed from years of dancing and poise lessons, Arthur slipped out of the inn as his guards distracted themselves with ale and dinner. He carried his tiara and a small bag of his favorite possessions—the ones he had hidden before his mother started packing. Under the cover of darkness, he approached a tea shop and picked the lock on the carriage house door.

Arthur found the crates marked "Kiku" already loaded onto the cart and he slipped into one that smelled of gunpowder green, finding a way to rest comfortably on the bags of loose leaf tea.

The crate was going to be delivered to the dragon Kiku and Arthur intended to go with it.

Dragons were very honorable creatures, but they had a reputation for kidnapping princesses. It was a matter of status and prestige to keep a captive princess to do their cooking and cleaning. After a bit of illicit research into the kingdom's tax records, Arthur discovered one tea house that made weekly shipments of tea leaves to the Dragon Kiku. Arthur liked the idea of a dragon civilized enough to enjoy tea and hiding in the crates saved him the trouble of walking to the dragon himself. Princesses volunteering to serve for dragons were unheard of, so Arthur would need to convince the dragon that it was a good idea.

Still planning what he would say, Arthur fell asleep on bags that smelled like home.

* * *

Later the next day and after a very bumpy ride, Arthur couldn't wait to escape the crate and stretch his limbs. He waited just long enough for the cart to leave and peeked out. He expected a dragon's cave—instead he saw trees. Arthur climbed out of the crate and stared around in confusion. Where was he? And why deliver tea crates to the middle of a forest?

Before Arthur could begin to worry, he heard a polite cough behind him. Arthur spun around and found himself staring face to face with a dragon. Its scales shone dark and black as ebony, its eyes brown and filled with intelligence. The dragon tilted its head quizzically.

Arthur took a deep breath. "Ah, are you the dragon, Kiku?"

The dragon nodded.

"My name is Princess Arthur and I would like to work for you," Arthur said in a rush, holding out his tiara as proof of both his royalty and his status as a princess. "I can cook, clean, and make a pot of tea. So what do you say?"

"You want to… volunteer?" Kiku asked carefully.

"Yes. It's a long story."

"Hmm," the dragon replied. "I will need to taste your cooking first, Arthur-hime."

Kiku's cave was located next to a narrow ledge at the top of the cliff. He flew to the top carrying the crates of tea with his claws. He offered Arthur a ride inside a crate, but the princess decided to climb the narrow stairs carved into the cliff face instead. He wasn't quite ready to trust his life to a dragon's claws.

After his climb, Arthur marched into the dragon's kitchen determined to make scones so delicious that Kiku would instantly agree to his plan. The kitchen contained only the bare necessities, but it had obviously been designed for human hands. Arthur wondered how many princesses the dragon had kept captive in its long life.

Following his mother's recipe, Arthur quickly whipped up a batch of scones.

The dragon munched on one as Arthur watched anxiously.

"Mmm," the dragon murmured appreciatively. "These are the finest charcoal briquettes I've eaten in a long time, Arthur-hime."

Arthur opened his mouth to correct the dragon, and then thought better of it. "So I can serve as your princess?" he asked.

"We'll see."

* * *

After a week of cooking, cleaning, and making tea, Arthur realized that 'We'll see' was as close as Kiku ever came to saying 'yes.' He relaxed and unpacked his few possessions into the comfortable guest bedroom, looking forward to his new, Francis-free, fancy-free life.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Fancy-free means both 'having no commitments or restrictions' and 'not in love or married.'

Francis will show up later in the story, but don't expect him to be a villain. Arthur's POV is not to be trusted on Francis-related questions ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Snow Princess**

_In which Alfred solves an easy riddle, Nataliya brandishes her daggers, and Feliks continues to lose at chess.  
_

At age 17, Alfred left home with his trusty stead, determined to rescue as many princesses as possible. Ever since he was a child, Alfred had dreamt of becoming a knight. And not just any knight, he wanted to be a valiant knight that rescued princesses from dragons. A professional princess-rescuer, renown throughout the land for his bravery and courage. If anyone ever wrote a book listing world records, he was going to be at the top for "Princess Rescuing."

Some people thought that princess-rescuing was a one-off event. A prince or knight rescued a princess, they fell in love, got married, took half of the kingdom as a reward, and lived happily ever after, end of story. But Alfred quickly discovered that for some reason he wasn't really interested in marrying any of the princesses he met during his quests. They were nice (mostly) and pretty (if you liked pink), but he couldn't really imagine spending the rest of his life with one of them. So he rescued them, took them home, and accepted just enough reward from their grateful parents to enable him to set off on a quest to rescue yet another princess.

So when Alfred heard that many knights and princes had tried and failed to rescue the Princess Nataliya, he leapt onto his horse and into action.

Alfred urged his horse into a gallop as he neared the mouth of the dragon's lair. At the entrance to the cave, he shouted in his loudest, most heroic voice, "Raivis! I challenge you for the Princess Nataliya!"

Moments passed. As Alfred impatiently peered into the gloom and listened to the endless silence, he began to wonder if he was in the right place. Maps weren't really his forte, so it wouldn't be the first time he chased down a dragon, only to end up outside a bear cave. At least the bear had been very nice and given him correct directions.

"R-really?" a surprised voice finally echoed from the depths of the cave. "I mean… I accept," the dragon added as its snout came into view. The dragon was small, not much larger than a plow horse, its dark red scales tipped in gold. It seemed to shiver uncontrollably, even though the early spring weather was already warm.

Alfred waited impatiently. He had issued the challenge, so under the long-standing tradition of puzzle combat, the dragon had to come up with a puzzle. If Alfred won, the dragon released the princess. If Alfred lost, he'd have to wait a week before trying again. After nearly a year of practice, Alfred had honed his puzzle abilities to the point where he almost always secured the princess's release on the first try.

Finally, the dragon spoke. "Um, answer me these questions three, if the princess you would f-free." He paused for a long moment. "Uh, first, w-what is your name?"

"Alfred F. Jones!" Alfred answered with a broad smile.

"Second, w-what is your quest?"

"To rescues the princess Nataliya!"

"Third… um, what's your favorite color?"

"Blue!" Alfred yelled triumphantly, pleased at his puzzle-solving abilities.

"_Please_, take her," the dragon cried as he fled back into the sanctuary of his cave.

Alfred stared in confusion. The dragons were usually gracious losers when forced to release a princesses (since they would just kidnap another one in a few weeks), but he had never seen a dragon quite so eager to get rid of a princess. It was also strange that no one had been able to rescue her before with such an easy puzzle challenge. Alfred shrugged and pushed the idea out of his head. When issues got complicated, he just ignored them.

"Princess?" he called as he entered the cave himself. A few lanterns placed here and there provided just enough light to prevent him from running into a wall.

A flash of silver hair in the corner caught his eye. He could dimly make out a tall young woman in a dark dress holding a pair of daggers. "I'm not going to marry you," she said coldly. "I'm not going to leave and you can't make me."

Alfred smiled and shrugged. "That's fine. I just wanted to rescue you and take you home. No marriage, I promise."

"Home?" A strange gleam appeared in her eye. "Yes. Take me home to my brother and we'll get married!"

Alfred felt confused. "What? But you just said you don't want to marry me, and I don't want to marry you. I thought we had already established that."

She nodded. "Right."

"So we're not getting married."

"That's what I said."

"No, you said… you know what, nevermind." Given her accent, Alfred decided that she meant that her brother was going to marry her _off_ when she returned home. Or maybe he would be the one performing the ceremony? Alfred didn't really know what sort of strange customs Rassiya might have. With that confusion settled, he helped Nataliya pack up her belongings and led her back to his horse, Ace.

Despite the unseasonably warm spring weather, Nataliya's snow kingdom was still covered in a layer of fine white powder. Alfred would have thought it beautiful if he was enjoying the view from a warm inn while drinking a cup of cocoa. It was less pretty when Nataliya set them on a grueling pace to return to her beloved family.

Alfred cheered with relief when they finally spotted the candy-colored palace of Nataliya's snow kingdom. The geometric designs on the brightly colored towers contrasted sharply with the barren landscape. Alfred knocked on the doors loudly and waited for the palace guards to answer, really hoping that they could spare him some hot chocolate. In the future, he was going to stick to rescuing princesses from _warm_ countries.

The doors remained shut.

"Brother! Brother!" Nataliya cried as she began to rake her nails down the wooden doors.

"Uh… I'm not sure that's helping," Alfred said, holding his horse's reins tightly. Ace was usually a good-natured stead, but something about Nataliya made him skittish. Alfred peered along the castle walls, trying to spot any sort of movement. "Do you think they all decided to take a 100-year nap?"

Nataliya gave him a look of scorn and stalked along the edge of the palace until she reached the stable doors. She brandished her knives and pushed her way inside, terrifying the horses in the stable. She disappeared into the palace, calling for her brother the entire time.

Alfred made soothing noises and reached out to stroke the neck of the nearest horse. He was beginning to suspect that it was possible the people in this palace weren't going to thank him for returning their princess. After Alfred calmed down the horses, he filled a bag of oats for Ace. He didn't want to stay in this cold, crazy kingdom any longer than necessary.

A sniffling noise drew Alfred's attention to the doorway. He blinked rapidly as he caught sight of the buxom blonde quickly approaching, the buttons on her blouse straining to open. He could almost imagine she made a slight boinging noise as she walked.

"Oh, thank you so much for bringing Nataliya back to us!" she said sweetly. She wiped her eyes. "It's so good to have her home."

"Uh, you're welcome?"

She nearly suffocated Alfred with a tight hug. She pulled back and smiled. "Fortunately, brother already left for the summer palace, otherwise he would try to kill you. But I brought you a loaf of paska to thank you! You should leave soon before brother finds out. He paid that dragon a lot of money to kidnap Nataliya."

Alfred couldn't understand if she was thanking him or threatening him, so he took the loaf of bread (because he _never_ said no to food) and quickly left. The sooner he got out of his crazy, backwards kingdom, the happier he would be.

* * *

"Alfred, sweetie, did you rescue another one?" Elizabeta called cheerfully, waving from the open doors of the Hungry Inn.

Alfred grinned. "Of course!" He stabled his horse and entered the inn. Inbetween bouts of princess-rescuing, Alfred worked as a stable hand. He loved horses and always heard the latest rumors of newly kidnapped princesses while he worked at an inn. He liked working for Eliza best because she never encouraged him to just marry one of the princesses. In fact, she always smiled and nodded when Alfred explained that he just didn't love any of them.

"Feliks tried again, but Ivana still won," Elizabeta explained as she met Alfred at the door. "Poor thing. Hopefully we can cheer him up."

Alfred nodded and spotted Feliks in the corner. It was always easy to spot Feliks—he was the only one wearing bright pink. Alfred crossed the crowded room and took a chair across from the other blond. Feliks looked up and nodded a greeting, but he seemed unusually subdued.

"Hey… you wanna try a few more practice games?" Alfred asked.

Feliks sighed and let his forehead fall onto the table with a soft thunk. "Like, what's the point? Ivana's always gonna win," he muttered, his voice muffled against the table.

"Oh, well, if that's the case, then I guess I should just go and challenge her myself."

Alfred pressed his hands against the table and pushed himself up.

Feliks suddenly shot out his hand to grip Alfred's wrist and gave him a hard stare. "Don't you dare. You totally promised that I would be the one to rescue Toris."

Alfred sat back down and grinned. "Then we should pay a few more games."

Feliks sighed again, but this time he pulled out his portable chess board and set up the pieces. Instead of the normal black and white pieces, he had black and pink ones. Feliks was determined that he would be the one to rescue Toris from the clutches of the dragon Ivana. The only problem was the Ivana always chose chess as her puzzle and Feliks never won. He had been working for six solid months, but still lost even with Alfred's helpful tutoring.

"Hey, remember what I told you. You rely too heavily on the knights. You need to learn to use the other pieces," Alfred said as they began to play.

Feliks pouted. "But the horsie is totally the best piece."

"It's not called a… y'know what, nevermind."

* * *

"…and that's why you castle when you must, not just 'cause you can. Got it?"

"Ugh, I don't want to think about this game, like, one minute longer."

Alfred laughed and agreed to change topics. Feliks was a terrible chess-player, but an excellent gossip. He knew as soon as a dragon captured a new princess, so he was the perfect source of information for a knight like Alfred who wanted to rescue as many as possible. Lizzie joined them once she saw they were finished with chess. Today, Feliks had a particularly juicy piece of news: the dragon Kiku had captured a _male_ princess.

"Wow, I didn't know that was even possible." Alfred scratched his chin and then grinned. "Well, guess it's my duty to rescue him!"

Elizabeta sighed dreamily. "I'm going to miss my best stablehand."

Alfred grinned. "Don't worry, Lizzie, I'm sure it won't take long to rescue him at all."

She smiled back. "Oh… I know."

* * *

Alfred left the next morning after one more practice game.

"Feliks, dude, you gotta remember that it's impossible to force checkmate using just two knights. Stop protecting them so much," Alfred offered as his parting advice. He saddled Ace. Both knight and horse were rearing to go on another adventure.

Alfred stroked Ace's neck and said, "Hey buddy, I'm sorry that the last princess was a dagger-wielding maniac. But I'll definitely rescue a nice, friendly, happy princess this time, so don't worry, okay?"

Ace—who had a great deal more horse sense than Alfred—snorted in disbelief.

Brimming with optimism, Alfred urged his horse to a gallop as they followed the long road to Kiku's cave. As a brave knight, he was perpetually ready for his next rescue mission. Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night would keep him from swift completion of his self-appointed task.

Alfred always forgot to factor in the princesses themselves.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

'Horse sense' is another name for common sense. I think it's a better name because 'common' sense isn't common and horses are awesome.

The parts about knights in chess are correct. You _can_ checkmate a king with only two knights (and your own king), but only if the other player lets you.

In case it's not clear, Ivana is a dragon and is a separate character from Nataliya's brother.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: The Irritated Princess**

_In which Arthur adapts to his new life as a dragon's princess, Alfred goes snipe hunting, and Kiku tells the truth.  
_

Arthur quickly adapted to his new life as Kiku's princess. He found Kiku to be a pleasant, if subdued, conversational partner whenever they shared a pot of tea, and Kiku's appreciation for Arthur's scones was extremely gratifying after a lifetime of people claiming that his cooking was inedible. Arthur soon fell into a comfortable routine. He made tea and scones for breakfast, cleaned in the afternoon, and chatted with Kiku in the evening.

The rest of the time, he spent exploring the rest of the cave and its connected tunnels. Arthur was pleasantly surprised to discover the hot springs at the back of the cave—undoubtedly the reason why Kiku had chosen the location in the first place. The hot springs weren't the only luxury. The furniture in Arthur's rooms reflected a wide collection from different times and places, but all showed a level of class and elegance he had come to expect from his dragon. The strangest object was his wardrobe, which did not merely store clothes, but also created them every time he opened the doors.

Unfortunately, using the wardrobe required a bit of fine tuning. Arthur had to reject a number of its initial outfits. First a military outfit in green, then one in red, not to mention a garish pirate's outfit. Finally, the wardrobe presented something more appropriate and Arthur settled on a pair of brown pants and blue jacket. It was a pity about the accessories—the pocket watch was much too large and the blue hat far too small.

After a few days cleaning the rooms in Kiku's lair, Arthur moved on to organizing the dragon's library. He left aside the adult dragon books and the books written in a script he didn't recognize, but the rest of the books and novels provided a perfect way to fill his afternoons. Arthur had always loved reading and Kiku's library put the Alban castle's library to shame.

At some point in the middle of _A People's History of Beikoku_, Arthur heard a loud shout from the mouth of the cave. He carefully placed his bookmark and went out to investigate. At the front of the cave, he spotted a young man astride a gray horse. The man leapt off when he saw Arthur and smiled brightly.

"You must be the prin—hey, are those eyebrows? Wow, they look like small hedges." He leaned forward to inspect the eyebrows. "You could have little woodland creatures living in there."

Arthur's eyebrows twitched in anger and he scowled. "I'm not interested in your religion, a set of encyclopedias, or whatever else you might be selling." Whoever had hired this idiot should have fired him immediately, because he was terrible at customer service. And he was clearly delusional. Arthur had lovely eyebrows.

The man just smiled. "Oh, no. I'm Alfred F. Jones. I'm here to rescue you."

"What?"

Alfred beamed. "I'm a knight. I rescue princesses, like you, from dragons, like Kiku."

Arthur sighed. He had expected a rescue party, eventually, but he thought it would include Alban soldiers, not a random knight and certainly not so soon. Now that he knew what to look for, he recognized the other man as a typical knight, with the standard golden hair, blue eyes, and an ego the size of Gallia. He was probably dumber than his horse. Arthur crossed his arms, wishing he had just ignored the shouting.

"Ah, I see where your confusion lies. I don't want to be rescued. I quite like it here."

"Huh?" Alfred asked, tilting his head to the side.

"I enjoy working for Kiku and I have zero interest in leaving," Arthur said, carefully enunciating each word in the hopes that it would help.

"I still don't understand."

"Let me use simpler words." He pointed at Alfred. "You go." Then Arthur pointed to himself. "I stay."

Alfred bit his lip. "So… you're waiting for someone else to rescue you?"

"No! I don't _want_ to be rescued, by you or anyone else."

Alfred pouted. "Oh come on, Kiku's riddles are usually easy."

"Riddles?" Arthur asked with a growing scowl. He just wanted the knight to _leave_ so he could get back to organizing books. But it would be rude to kick him off the ledge and Arthur had been raised to be a gentleman. Well, more accurately a princess, but he always felt less ridiculous calling himself a gentleman.

Alfred nodded eagerly. "Yeah, you answer the riddle, you rescue the princess. I thought everyone knew how this worked."

Arthur stared, a feeling of growing apprehension in the pit of his stomach. "You're telling me there's a cottage industry of muscle-bound morons that will try to defeat Kiku with a riddle and carry me off into the sunset?"

"Uh, dragons don't live in cottages." Alfred scratched his chin and shrugged. "But other than that, yeah, pretty much. So… is Kiku here?"

Arthur buried his face in his hands, his mind filled with the sudden, horrifying vision of an endless parade of idiotic knights and princes trying to rescue him. Pretty soon the news would spread to Francis and then he was definitely doomed. He should have known it was too good to last. Arthur felt a hand rest on his shoulder. He glanced up.

"Hey, you don't need to worry, if Kiku's not here, I'll come back," the knight said with a comforting look.

Arthur pushed the hand off with a flick of his wrist. With a flash of inspiration he realized that the best way to get rid of a fool was to send him on a fool's errand.

"That's not what I was worried about," he replied. "Actually… I'm afraid Kiku's gone missing. I don't know where he is. He went hunting for a snipe and never came back."

Suddenly Alfred was afire with questions. He wanted to know what day Kiku left, which direction he went, and more about his plans to hunt the elusive snipe. Arthur made up answers as quickly as he could and was grateful that his reading had given him a healthy imagination. If he was lucky, it would the knight weeks to realize that snipes were not real. If he were very lucky, the knight would never catch on and would spend the rest of his life searching for a snipe.

Alfred borrowed a bucket of water to give his horse a drink and then gave Arthur an appraising look. "So, are you ready to go?" he asked.

"Go where?"

"To hunt down the snipe and find Kiku! Aren't you worried about him?"

Arthur frowned. He didn't realize the knight would expect him to go along for the search. That threw a spanner into his plans.

"He's a five-tonne, fire-breathing dragon. I'm sure he's fine," he replied dismissively.

"Come on, princess! It'll be fun," the knight urged with a smile.

"I would be completely useless," Arthur shamelessly lied. "All I've ever learned is embroidery and dancing and etiquette."

Alfred sighed. "But if we don't find Kiku soon that fellow who asked me for directions is gonna be disappointed."

"He can learn to live with… wait, what did he look like?"

"Oh, long blond hair, bit of a beard, strange accent. Said he was looking for 'a foul-tempered, fiery-tongued, disservice to the distaff side.' I think he meant Kiku. Mentioned something about giant yellow caterpillars. Anyway, I gave him the directions to Kiku's cave, but I think I mixed up some of the lefts and rights. I'm sure he'll figure it out."

Arthur recognized the description immediately as his fiance prince Francis. He pulled himself up onto the knight's horse with impressive speed.

Alfred looked over his shoulder and grinned. "So you decided to come?"

"Shut up and ride."

* * *

After a short trot they arrived at the edge of the Magical Forest. Growing increasingly uncomfortable with riding pillion, Arthur suggested walking instead. Arthur was short and lean, but he couldn't say the same for the other man and he doubted the horse wanted to carry their combined weight.

Alfred dismounted and offered his hand. Arthur refused the assistance and jumped down on his own. He was a princess, he wasn't helpless.

Arthur tuned out Alfred's constant chatter as he admired the scenery of the Magical Forest, particularly the dappled shadows cast by the afternoon sunlight. He had traveled through the forest once before, but he'd been in the tea crate at the time and had missed the opportunity to admire the view.

Through a break in the trees he could see a field of orange and pink tulips and a distant cottage. He thought it was a little early for tulips, but they looked beautiful nonetheless. Arthur resolved to visit the forest more often for afternoon strolls. The books in Kiku's library had already sat unorganized for decades and even centuries. They could wait a little longer.

The people who wrote about the Magical Forest tended to describe wonderful trips—amazing sights and stunning epiphanies. And for some strange reason, they recommended eating the fruits and berries that grew within the forest. From their widely divergent descriptions, Arthur wondered if the writers had even visited the same forest. The woods had its beauty and its grandeur, he would admit that, but Arthur failed to see what all the fuss was about. Once he had his fill of the scenery, Arthur turned back to more pressing matters. He planned to avoid Kiku's cave for the next several hours to give Francis time to arrive and leave, but he didn't want to become hopelessly lost.

"Do you know where you're going?" he asked, interrupting Alfred's one-man conversation.

Alfred cheerfully admitted that he had no idea and explained that in the Magical Forest, every road led to where you wanted to go. Sometimes the forest's magical path-finding abilities required a little fine-tuning—the forest would first lead you to something _almost_ right—but it eventually found the desired destination. Unfortunately, the magic didn't work on dragons. The last time Alfred tried to find Kiku, all he could find was a patch of chrysanthemums.

Arthur rolled his eyes, but didn't see much point in suggesting a different route. The knight clearly didn't realize that getting lost was not a magical spell. On the other hand, every location was just as good as any other in terms of not finding a snipe and a circuitous route served Arthur well, since the whole point of the trip was to avoid Francis.

* * *

"Hey, princess—"

"Call me Arthur," he said, tired of being called 'princess' every five minutes.

"—okay, Arthur, I've been wondering. Do they teach you how to duel-wield daggers at Princess School?"

"Oh absolutely, after we master knitting needles," Arthur replied dryly.

Alfred scratched his chin in contemplation and they actually managed to walk in silence for a few minutes. Arthur enjoyed the rare respite and decided to lie more often. It would be rather amusing to see what ridiculous tales he could convince the knight to believe. Lost in pleasant thoughts, Arthur nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Alfred shriek. Arthur spun around, eyes darting until he spotted what had scared the knight.

He saw a snake disappearing into the underbrush near Alfred's feet.

"Ah, is the big knight afwaid of the wittle snake?" Arthur asked with a smirk.

Alfred flushed. "I'm not scared. It just startled me. Stupid snakes. Wait, snakes! Snake sounds like snipe. That means we're getting close, look at that!" He suddenly pointed to a nearby tree.

Arthur turned his head to the side and saw a man with greasy, shoulder-length black hair and a hooked nose hiding behind the tree. The man swished his dark cloak and disappeared, muttering something about a 'hairy otter.'

"Now we're really close!" Alfred cried excitedly, racing to spot where the strange man had just disappeared. Arthur followed at a more sedate pace. He pulled to a stop as he saw the strange birds gathered in the clearing ahead of them. They had thin purple beaks, orange underbellies, and iridescent plumage.

Alfred turned back to face Arthur and smiled triumphantly. "That's the Uncommon Snipe," he said, speaking just a little too loudly. Hearing the noise, the birds jumped and took flight, creating a sudden whirlwind of purple and orange wings. Arthur stared with a slack jawed expression as he watched the birds fly away and disappear above the treetops. As Arthur continued to stare in astonishment, the knight wandered around, calling for Kiku. He returned to stand near Arthur with a disappointed expression.

"Hmm, doesn't look like Kiku's here. Maybe he already came and left?"

Arthur finally closed his mouth. "Sure, why not," he agreed with a small shrug. They followed the path back to Kiku's cave and Arthur decided that sending someone off on a snipe hunt next to a magical forest was perhaps not his brightest plan. He was going to need something better to keep away unwanted princes and knights.

Maybe a nice 'Road Closed' sign would do.

* * *

Just outside of the cave, Arthur set in motion his new plan. "I know a magical spell I can use to find Kiku, but I'm going to need a piece of wood about yay big," he said, gesturing with his hands, "and some black paint."

"You can do magic?"

"Of course, it's an essential skill in Princess School."

"Wow." And Alfred left, promising to return with the necessary materials.

Alfred waved, hiding his smirk until the knight was out of sight. Now he just hoped that the dragon had scared off Francis.

Kiku nodded pleasantly and looked up from his book as Arthur entered the cave. "Arthur-hime, someone was looking for you earlier."

"Blond man with a scruffy beard, bit of an accent?"

"Hai. He asked if you were here, and I said no. Then he asked if I had kidnapped you, and I said no. And finally he asked if I knew who had kidnapped you, and I said no."

Arthur smiled. He had successfully dealt with both of his blond-haired, blue-eyed annoyances. At least for the moment.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Protip: Never ask America for directions.

I love writing America because I'm never sure if he's being genuinely obtuse or if he's feigning stupidity for his own devious ends. Most of the time I'm pretty sure that he's just dense, but I like the possibility that he's not as clueless as he seems. To quote my favorite line from Wicked, I think he's "genuinely self-absorbed and deeply shallow."

By the way, a hetalia fic based on Wicked would be… well… wicked. I just can't decide if America should be Galinda or Fiyero. Obviously England would be Elphaba. (I guess Canada would be Nessa?) I think maybe America as Galinda and France as Fiyero, although Spain as Fiyero is also tempting. Time to add it to my long list of plot bunnies :)

**Other References**

Did you catch the Harry Potter reference? Hint: Snake → ? → Snipe.

The Common Snipe is a real bird and the word "sniper" originated to reflect the level of skill it takes to shoot a snipe. The Uncommon Snipe is obviously fictional and probably looks a bit like Kevin from Up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: The Perfidious Princess**

_In which Arthur casts a magic spell, Ivan receives some advice, and Alfred takes a bath.  
_

For some reason, Alfred got the sense that Kiku's new princess didn't like him very much, but he was determined to not let mutual dislike get in the way of a rescue mission. All princesses had their quirks, though he had to admit that Princess Arthur was particularly baffling and intriguing—one moment claiming to know nothing but useless princess skills, the next moment saying that he could use daggers and magical spells.

He was strange in other ways. Princesses were supposed to be pretty or beautiful, but Arthur was neither. His constant scowl did nothing for his appearance and his hair resembled a bird's nest. Arthur had clearly failed "Smiling Class" at Princess School given his grouchy and grumpy exterior.

And Alfred suspected that Arthur's eyebrows resulted from a terrible curse. That would explain why the princess was so sensitive to comments about them.

But the knight was an equal-opportunity princess-rescuer, so he wasn't going to let a mildly disagreeable personality and messy hair stop him from fulfilling his self-imposed mission. Now all he had to do was figure out a way to find the ingredients Arthur requested for his magical spell and he would never have to deal with Arthur again…

"You know how I promised you a normal princess?" Alfred said to his horse.

"Sorry about that."

* * *

Contrary to appearances, Alfred wasn't stupid. He knew that getting a plank of wood from the Magical Forest was a Bad Idea (i.e. an idea so bad it required Capital Letters). The trees protected their own and woe betide anyone who attempted to cut them down. The last woodcutter who wandered into the forest had been eaten by an ent.

So Alfred went back to Elizabeta's Inn and asked his friend for help. She happily obliged, once Alfred told her the story of what she called his 'first date' with Princess Arthur.

"A horseback ride in the woods is so romantic," she said wistfully.

"Uh, sure. Thanks for the stuff, Liz!"

Alfred honestly didn't know what Elizabeta was talking about half the time, but he had learned long ago that it was easiest to just smile and agree and then leave at the first opportunity. Alfred waited until Eliza was distracted by a dark-haired bard entering her inn and made his escape.

On his way back to Kiku's cave, Alfred rescued a kitten from a tree, helped an old lady across the road, and inadvertently caused a flare-up of international tensions when his extremely shoddy directions delayed a peace delegation from Gallia. All in all, he considered it a good day's work, and it wasn't even noon.

Alfred whistled cheerfully to himself as he approached the cave's mouth. He couldn't wait to locate Kiku, solve his riddle, rescue this princess, and then find a princess who was nicer, friendlier, and more polite.

Alfred shouted for Arthur and quickly drew the scowling princess outside of the cave. Arthur must have been baking—he was still wearing a pink and frilly apron. Alfred lifted up the wood and paint, but grinned and pulled the objects out of Arthur's reach when the princess tried to grab them.

"What's the magic word?" he asked teasingly.

"Pisho bant," Arthur muttered and crossed his arms. He sighed and gritted his teeth. "_Please_."

Alfred smiled and handed over the plank and paint. He didn't particularly care if Arthur actually said please, but it was really amusing to annoy the princess. How could he resist when Arthur reacted so strongly to each imagined offense? It was like winding up a toy and then watching it spin furiously.

"So can I watch the spell? I've never seen magic before," Alfred asked as he followed Arthur back into the cave. He frowned as he recognized the smell of smoke. "…is something burning?"

Arthur swore and raced to the kitchen. Alfred watched from the doorway as the young man pulled a tray of charcoal briquettes from the oven. He coughed as smoke filled the kitchen.

"Looks like they're done just right," the knight said with another cough, instantly assuming that the burnt food was meant for dragon—not human—consumption.

"Do you think so?" Arthur asked eagerly. For once, his expression held no hint of a scowl, grimace, glare, or frown. In fact, his eyes were wide and bright and the corners of his mouth had turned up slightly into a barely-there smile.

Alfred smiled. "Well sure, dragons like their food burnt to a crisp. Helps them digest it. Doesn't it bother you to ruin your baking like that? Most princesses can't stand to let stuff burn."

Then as soon as the eager expression appeared, it vanished. Arthur glared. "These scones aren't for Kiku. He's missing, remember?"

"...scones?"

Alfred looked at the so-called food, then back at Arthur, then back at the food. Taken together, it meant that Arthur planned on eating the disgusting scones _himself_. Alfred stared in shock, until he realized the advantage of crappy cooking. If Arthur burned all of his food to a crisp, no wonder he had such an easy time cooking for dragons.

"Did you still want to watch the spell?" Arthur asked icily.

Alfred nodded, although the cold tone set off warning bells in his head. He leaned against the wall and watched with increasing trepidation as Arthur prepared a pentagram design on the cave floor. It felt more like summoning the devil than summoning a dragon. He picked up the grimoire and looked at the bookmarked page. It described a spell for summoning someone else's worst enemy. He supposed that Kiku could be categorized as his enemy, but it seemed a strange spell to try.

Arthur donned a black cloak and began chanting ominous-sounding words. The edges of the pentagram glowed with an eerie green light. A head slowly rose from the center of the floor, until it revealed a silver-haired man with glowing purple eyes.

The man blinked and looked around the cave, before settling his gaze on Arthur. "Have you seen crazy girl with frilly skirts and daggers?" he asked with a slightly worried expression.

Arthur shook his head.

The man let out a breath of relief. "Can I hide here a few hours until my sister stops looking?"

Arthur looked back and forth between the mysterious silver-haired man and the knight, as if expecting some sort of recognition. His expression showed both confusion and disappointment. Alfred could understand both—he was disappointed the spell hadn't retrieved Kiku and confused that his worst enemy was someone he had never met before.

* * *

King Ivan—as the man introduced himself—passed the time by drinking tea with Arthur (although he was saddened by the lack of vodka) and playing chess with Alfred. After months of tutoring Feliks, Alfred found it exhilarating to compete against a skilled player.

Soon the sound of a piece being moved was the only noise in the room. The game progressed slowly as they carefully marched their pieces across the board. The number of pieces gradually dwindled until only five remained.

Ivan moved his rook and marked one more tally on the paper next to him.

Arthur inspected the board. His initial interest had waned at least an hour ago, but now that the game seemed close to ending he put down his embroidery and asked Ivan, "Why are you counting moves?"

"If he gets to fifty, he can call a draw," Alfred explained. Two moves later, Ivan did exactly that.

"That was a good game, da?"

"You must have very cold winters in your kingdom," Arthur remarked as he filled up his tea cup from the kettle on the stove.

Alfred laughed. "So why is your sister trying to kill you?"

"Oh, she doesn't want to kill me." Ivan looked embarrassed. "She wants to marry me."

Arthur spit out his tea. "What?!"

"I paid off a dragon to kidnap her. But some _idiot_," he pronounced the word with his thick accent so it sounded like ee-dee-ot, "rescued her and did not marry her. It was good plan, when heroes rescue princesses, they are supposed to marry them."

Alfred dropped the piece he had been holding as he packed away his traveling chess set. He picked it up from the floor and avoided Ivan's gaze. Now he knew why Arthur's spell had summoned this person—Nataliya's brother had a good reason to dislike him.

"Alfred rescues princesses. Maybe he knows who the idiot was," Arthur said with a small smirk.

"Uh, from what I heard, everyone who tried failed."

Ivan sighed. "I just wish I could stop her obsession."

Arthur nodded. "My condolences. There are some people who just won't take a hint."

"Hey, what about a treaty marriage with a neighboring kingdom? If she really loves you, she should help you secure a valuable geopolitical alliance."

"She promised if I did that, she would raise an unstoppable army, conquer my kingdom, and make our lands one," Ivan said, his voice wavered somewhere between fear and pride.

"Nice girl," Arthur weakly replied.

"You should try the Dragon Vash. He doesn't follow the same rules as the other dragons," Alfred offered, hoping to steer the conversation away from anything that would make Ivan realize that he was sitting across the table from person who returned his sister.

Ivan nodded thoughtfully. He promised to send Arthur a reward for saving him from his sister, and then he disappeared back into the magical circle.

* * *

One week later, Alfred paused in front of the 'Road Closed' sign and frowned. The road had been perfectly passable the last time he saw it. He wondered what could have happened. He started to turn around, but his horse insisted on continuing forward. They made their way to the front of the cave without discovering any obstacles. Confused, Alfred went back to look at the sign and realized it was made from the wooden plank and black paint he had given to Arthur.

Alfred looked through the lair, until he finally found the princess in the hot springs at the very back of the cave. A few well-placed lanterns and the vapor rising from the springs created a comfortable glow. He could see a smaller pool with benches carved in the rocks as well as a much larger, dragon-shaped area for Kiku. The air smelled slightly of rotten eggs, making him wonder if Arthur had been cooking again. The princess—leaning back with eyes closed and shoulders deep in water—didn't notice his approach.

"Hey, Arthur."

Arthur's eyes flew open. "What are you doing here?" he sputtered. He started to rise from his position, but sat back down as he realized that the only thing covering him was a small towel.

Alfred kneeled next to the pool and dipped his hand into the water. It felt wonderfully warm. He grinned. "We planned to meet after a week so you could brainstorm ways to find Kiku, remember? And I think you must've figured out something good, 'cause I heard from some people that Kiku has been here this entire time. Weird, huh?" As he spoke, he pulled off his boots, rolled up his trousers, and slipped his legs into the water.

Arthur said nothing, so Alfred kept talking.

"Hunting for snipes, summoning Ivan, and putting up a sign made from the wood and paint I gave you… Look, I know princesses are supposed to send people on weird tasks, but you don't have to get so carried away."

"You don't understand, do you?" Arthur replied angrily. "I don't want you here, I don't want your help, and I don't want to be rescued!" he shouted.

Alfred blinked, taken aback by Arthur's fiery vehemence. He quickly recovered and grinned. "Oh, okay then. No worries, there are _plenty_ of princesses that are loads nicer than you. Way prettier and politer too."

"What? I am a perfect gentleman."

"Pfft, more like a perfect liar."

He smiled, relieved by the thought that he wouldn't have to keep working so hard to try to rescue Arthur. The Alban Princess shared the same sense of relief, relaxing the atmosphere between them.

Alfred grinned and splashed his feet, enjoying the tingle of the hot water. He decided that he wanted to feel the water on his entire body. He tossed off his shirt and trousers and lowered himself into the water. It felt amazing. Arthur's face turned an interesting shade of red as he loudly protested both Alfred's lack of modestly and the invasion of his private hot springs.

"It's okay, we're both guys," Alfred replied. He leaned against the rock forming the wall of the pool, enjoying the relaxing feeling as its heat warmed his back. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of contentment.

After a few moments, Alfred opened his eyes to see why Arthur was being so quiet. Arthur's normally pale skin was flushed from his neck to the tip of his ears. Arthur stared resolutely at the wall—everywhere but at Alfred.

"Hey, you're really red. Have you been in the water too long?"

"Ah... yes, close your eyes so I can get out."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Alfred sighed and complied. He listened to the sound of dripping water as Arthur stepped out of the hot springs and started to walk away. He turned his head to the side and caught a glimpse of the princess wearing a towel wrapped around his waist.

It occurred to Alfred that although Arthur was a strange princess, he really did have nice legs.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

"Perfidious Albion" is an old-fashioned way to complain about treacherous actions by England. Obviously, the phrase originated with the French.

So… can I leave this fic at K+ if I have Arthur swearing in Welsh? Also, I included a reference to dragon erotica last chapter. I might be a terrible person.

For the record, Alfred is probably wearing some sort of medieval underwear. I'm just too lazy to research medieval underpants. Use your imagination!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Frog Princess**

_In which Francis receives advice from a talking frog, mistakes Feliks for a princess, and eats a helpful fortune cookie._

When Francis and his father heard that Arthur had gone missing, the Gallic king determined that Francis would have to be the one to single-handedly rescue his fiancé in the name of l'amour. In very flowery terms, he boldly predicted that Arthur's disappearance would provide the perfect opportunity for Francis and Arthur to finally fall in love and move past the constant bickering that had defined their childhood. Alongside the Alban Queen, he continued planning the wedding to take place immediately after Arthur's rescue.

"It will be très romantique," the king said as a whirlwind of roses spontaneously appeared. (The ability to summon flowers was a family trait.)

Francis rolled his eyes—as far as he was concerned, nothing about Arthur, with his bushy eyebrows and foul temper, could be described as 'romantic.' Arthur liked to complain and he had no sense of taste. He preferred books to people and hated the social parties that Francis loved attending. Francis had tried to bring Arthur out of his shell (even offering to fix up Arthur's hair before the party so it wouldn't look so horrid!), but all his efforts had invariably failed.

Still, Francis knew he would do his duty for his country because they desperately needed the treaty marriage. He and Arthur didn't share a passionate love, but they had shared most of their childhood together, and they could probably learn to bicker affectionately. And for all their disagreements, he didn't want anything bad to happen to the other young man. He prepared to leave and in the morning said goodbye to his brother.

"Mathieu?" Francis said softly, brushing back the younger man's bangs. Mathieu had always been a sickly child and he rarely left his bed. As a result, many people at the palace completely forgot his existence. Francis worried that the young man would be lonely in his absence.

Mathieu coughed and smiled weakly. "Go find Arthur so he can drink tea with me."

Francis agreed with a wan smile and kissed Mathieu's forehead.

He traveled to the inn that was Arthur's last known location, quickly discovering along the way that it was nearly impossible to keep his lovely clothes clean. He did not understand why roads insisted on being so dusty. He should have insisted on bringing a servant.

Francis gratefully bathed at the inn, summoning a few rose petals to scent the water. He flirted with the barmaids, making them blush and giggle at his beautiful compliments. He then offered wine to the local residents to loosen their tongues, but was disappointed to learn that they had seen nothing on the night of Arthur's disappearance. In the morning, Francis left to search the nearby area. According to his father, he was bound to discover some clue that would lead him to Arthur because it was 'destiny' and 'true love' and all of those things that Francis generally believed in, just not with respect to Arthur.

Instead of clues, Francis discovered more dirt and mud and nasty-smelling weeds next to the road. He ripped his clothes on the bushes and found his hair tangled with twigs. He had brought several changes of clothing (because a prince had a duty to always look his best), but he was worried that he would run out of new clothes before the end of the week.

Francis leaned against a tree and sighed.

"Are you lost?" a young woman's voice asked.

Francis spun around, but he couldn't spot the woman. Even as the voice laughed, Francis still couldn't locate the source. He looked up in the tree. A quick movement of green caught his gaze. He watched a frog jump to a lower branch.

"Allo, there," the frog said.

Francis jumped and yelled in surprise before regaining his composure. "Uh, mademoiselle?" he asked uncertainly.

She sighed. "Just to speed up this conversation, yes, I'm a talking frog, yes, I'm a princess trapped in an amphibian's body, and yes, I would love a kiss from a prince. You are a prince… right?" She gave his clothing a discerning look—no doubt spotting the quality of the material, even if it was currently covered in a thin layer of dirt.

Francis thoughtfully stroked the stubble on his chin. "Oui, je suis un prince. But I only give kisses for free to beautiful young men and ladies, so you'll have to offer me something in return."

"I _am_ a gorgeous young woman!"

"You have warts," Francis said with disdain.

"We all have our warts," she replied philosophically.

Francis waved a hand dismissively. "Metaphorical warts, certainly. But I only care about the literal ones." Francis knew that outside beauty was the most important metric of a person's worth. It was why he spent so much time primping and preening.

He sighed and recounted his problems. After listening to Francis's troubles, the frog promised that she would help him find his princess in exchange for a kiss. Angelique—as she introduced herself—explained that if a princess went missing, a dragon was almost always to blame.

* * *

Weeks later, Francis was still dirty and tired and thoroughly discouraged. He had found many dragons and many princesses, but was still no closer to locating Arthur. Many of the princesses were lovely and he would have gladly taken any of them home, but no matter how tempting their long flowing hair and beautiful dresses, he knew he was stuck with Arthur. Although he did spend a brief amount of time considering whether he could convince Princess Lili to pretend to be a boy. She had short blond hair and lovely green eyes, just like Arthur, and she was flat as a board. But Francis knew that her sweet temper and gentle voice would immediately give her away as an imposter.

Francis hated his rescue mission. He wanted to go home and sip wine and try on new clothes. He wanted to flirt with young men and well-dressed ladies and not have to deal with the criticism of a small amphibian who thought he should have already found Arthur by now and given her a kiss as reward. But he knew he would keep trying because he dearly loved his country and this marriage was their best shot for peace.

He stood outside the entrance to the dragon Ivana's lair and sighed to himself. "Why must dragons live so far apart?" he muttered.

"They're large predators. It would destroy the ecosystem if they all hunted in the same area," Angelique patiently explained as she peeked out of the saddle bags. "Did you expect them to live in a convenient interlocking system of caves on a single mountain?"

Francis huffed and dismounted. He brushed the dust off his clothes and strode forward, hoping against hope that he had finally located Arthur. He was going to spend a lot of time shouting at Arthur for being so difficult to find once he did locate him. He looked forward to the shouting—trading insults was the best part of their relationship.

"Ah, hello?" a young man said hesitantly from the front of the cave. He had shoulder-length brown hair and a sad smile. He was not Arthur—although he did look pretty cute.

Francis opened his mouth to reply, before another person popped into view.

"Hey, back off dude! Toris is like totally mine," a glaring young woman wrapped her arms around the timid brunette. She had shoulder-length blond hair and flashing green eyes that stayed at permanent half-mast. She was slim and her fashion sense was almost as flashy as Francis's.

"Are you la princesse d'Ivanne?" he asked as he admired her beautiful pink cape.

"Like, _no_," the blond said with a roll of her eyes.

"Not a princess, just a captive," the brunette replied softly, lifting up his leg to show the manacle around his ankle. The attached chain trailed into the darkness of the cave.

"Mon dieu," Francis whispered as he stared at the chain, shocked that a dragon would treat their captive so shabbily. The other princesses had seemed somewhat annoyed by their captivity—they were used to being treated like royalty, after all—but they were otherwise kept in handsome quarters and certainly none had been in chains. Compared to the gilded cage that was a palace, living with a dragon didn't seem so bad. Francis frowned and hoped that Arthur was the captive of a kind dragon.

"Feliks, you should go, Ivana doesn't like it when you wait around," Toris said softly.

The blond pouted, but her expression turned tender as she cupped Toris's cheeks and pressed their lips together in a gentle kiss. Francis averted his eyes, not wanting to intrude on their private moment. They exchanged a hug and whispered farewells before parting.

As the blond walked into the light, Francis admired her spunk for wearing pants under her tunic. He watched the other blond mount a cream-colored pony. Feliks rubbed her eyes and looked away. "Why are you like still here?" she asked, the annoyance in her voice hiding an undercurrent of deep sadness.

"I'm terribly sorry for your friend's situation," Francis said with genuine sympathy. Like a true Gallic man, he hated to see any obstacle block the path of love, and he admired a princess who would go out to rescue her man. "I didn't mean to intrude or try to take him away from you. I myself am trying to rescue someone—my fiancé—but I can't find him. I was hoping he was here, but it seems not."

"No, Ivana never captures royalty, she like can't stand them," Feliks replied darkly. She twirled her hair around one finger as her face twisted in thought. "Male princess, huh? The only one I've heard of totally lives with Kiku."

Francis shook his head sadly. "No, I've already asked Kiku."

Feliks shrugged. "Sorry, dude, that's all I got. Alfred or Lizzie might have an idea. She collects a lot of gossip at her inn."

"An inn would be wonderful," Francis agreed, already imagining the joy of a warm bath, clean clothes, flirtatious barmaids, and the best available vintage of wine. He was sick of dragons and princesses, especially since the best reward he could hope for was dragging an unhappy princess to the alter.

* * *

Elizabeta did have an idea. She suggested traveling to visit the wise Dragon Yao and asking him for advice. She even drew them a map to Jade Mountain.

Alfred hated the plan. "Yao's princess hit me with a paddle when I tried to rescue her!" he complained.

"If you don't help this nice man find his princess, _I_ will hit you with a frying pan," she argued compellingly. She smiled sweetly, but hoisted the pan in the air for good measure.

Francis grabbed the map from Elizabeta. He recognized Alfred as the person who had given him terrible directions to Kiku's cave. "I'll take this," he said, "he can't be trusted with directions," he explained, pointing to Alfred.

Alfred glared at both Francis and Elizabeta. "Hey, it's not my fault left and right look the same!"

* * *

Shortly after they left, Angelique introduced herself to Alfred and Feliks.

"Quick question—are either of you princes?" she asked as she hopped out of Francis's saddle bags. She perched on Francis's shoulder.

Feliks and Alfred gaped at the talking frog.

"Come on! It's an easy question," she complained. Francis smiled, enjoying the little frog's quick temper. She reminded him of Arthur, but in a good way.

"Totally not."

"No, sorry."

Angelique sighed dramatically. "There is such a tragic shortage of princes around here."

* * *

On the way to Jade Mountain, Francis learned a great deal about his traveling companions. To start with, Feliks surprisingly turned out to be a guy, as Francis discovered when he tried to catch a peek of Feliks bathing. The effeminate man just happened to love ponies and the color pink. He talked about ponies endlessly. Francis tried to be sympathetic, because he imagined Feliks would rather discuss ponies than talk about Toris, but even Francis grew tired of hearing about ponies with flowers in their manes.

Alfred loved food and his compliments on Francis's cooking were wonderfully gratifying, until Francis watched Alfred cook and burn his own food and realized that Alfred would happily eat anything. It reminded him of Arthur.

Thinking of Arthur, Francis worried what would happen when he found his princess. Even with his golden tongue, he doubted that Arthur would be a blushing bride. Lost in thought, he didn't notice as they approached Yao's cave, until he saw a paddle swiftly approaching his face. Then everything went back.

* * *

Francis woke up on the floor with a rather attractive woman bent over him. Her green dress revealed lovely curves and beautiful legs. It was a nice way to wake up. Once she saw that he was wake, the dark-haired woman apologized, "I'm sorry, I thought you were Alfred."

As he unsteadily rose to his feet, the next thing Francis noticed was the dragon. The ebony-scaled dragon filled up most of the cave. Francis had learned a bit about dragon's facial expressions, and he could tell this one was annoyed. He didn't look particularly old, or wise, especially with the stuff panda tucked under his arm.

"Let me guess," Yao said, pointing at Alfred. "You want a brain."

He pointed at Francis. "You want courage."

He pointed at Feliks. "And you want a heart."

All three protested simultaneously that Yao was completely wrong, creating a cacophony of sound echoing throughout the cave. "I like totally need to know" - "Non, non, you have it all wrong, what I need to find is" - "Actually, I really just want" - "a way to beat the dragon" - "the one who's holding my fiancé" - "a normal princess."

"Aiyah! Shut up and take a cookie!" the dragon yelled, so angry that small flames shot from his snout. Falling silent, they each grabbed a fortune cookie (several cookies, in Alfred's case) and walked out of the cave as quickly as their dignity would allow. Once safely outside of hearing range, they exchanged a glance.

"But we didn't even ask a question," Francis noted as he stared at his unbroken cookie, highly dubious that a cracker could predict the future.

"The cookies know the answer to the question you want to ask," Alfred explained, happily munching his cookie as he held out a piece of paper. He placed the extra cookies in his bag.

"Princess Lili?" Francis asked after reading the fortune.

Alfred nodded and spoke with his mouth full. "Yep, she must be a normal princess. I've been wanting to rescue one for _ages_."

"She was nice enough, but too young," Francis replied as he cracked open his cookie and read the fortune inside. "Adopt a brother, if you love another," he read aloud. He frowned, unable to understand how adoption would help him find Arthur.

They both turned to watch Feliks as he pulled out his paper and unfolded it, and unfolded again, continuing to unfold the seemingly endless paper until it stretched from his hands to the ground. Feliks frowned as he read off a strange combination of letters and numbers. "Nc3 Nf6?"

Alfred suddenly grinned. "It's the key to defeating Ivana! That's a series of moves!"

Francis watched the two chatter excitedly and then looked down at his fortune again. This time he flipped it over and discovered more writing on the back. "Try Kiku again," it suggested.

He smiled to himself. The 'cookies' tasted terrible, but at least the fortunes were helpful.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

I don't know if America/Poland/France have a trio name, but they really should. Perhaps we could call them 'the Bronies'? I know that America and Poland would be total Bronies. I'm less sure about France, but I think he could be convinced :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: The Practical Princess**

_In which Arthur and Kiku discuss love, Feliks beats Ivana at chess, and the plot thickens._

After he finished organizing Kiku's library, Arthur wasn't sure what to accomplish next. He decided to write the definite explanation of draconic history and society. Having lived with a dragon for two months, Arthur realized that most people had a drastically simplified understanding of dragons.

For example, many people knew that dragons loved treasure, princesses, and riddles, but they didn't understand that princesses were an important part of a treasure hoard. The princess reflected the type of treasure a dragon collected. Dragons who loved pretty possessions with little practical value kidnapped beautiful, but useless, princesses. Whereas others, like Kiku, preferred more practical treasure. Kiku collected rare books instead of gold and so he preferred a level-headed princess like Arthur.

The dragon's system of government was even more interesting. They functioned as an autonomous, anarcho-syndicalist commune, taking turns as leader. By tradition, the King of the Dragons was chosen by tossing a sword in a lake and having all of the dragons go bobbing for swords. For the Queen of the Dragons, the trials ranged from floral arrangement to origami.

Kiku was competing for the title this year. He described it as a position involving "Much honor and very little work." He had beaten the preliminary trials for the past few weeks, requiring his frequent absence from his cave.

When he first learned about the system, Arthur had almost asked why Kiku wasn't going to become the _King_ of the Dragons, but then he had fortunately remembered that he was himself a princess and decided it was a stupid question.

They sat down on the day before the final trial to enjoy a calming cup of tea and an exceedingly crunchy set of scones.

"Do you know what the final test will be?" Arthur asked.

"No, they keep it secret until we arrive," Kiku replied. He seemed completely calm, even though the final trial would determine which dragon became the Queen of the Dragons.

"What will you do if you win?" Arthur asked.

The corners of Kiku's mouth ticked slightly upward. Arthur read the expression as amused and slightly mischievous. "I think I will start a Dragon Dating Service," Kiku said, explaining that he had recently heard of a king paying the Dragon Ivana in order to kidnap his sister. If the dragons were going to kidnap princesses, it would be useful to simultaneously earn money. Expensive piles of gold and jewelry did not grow on trees, not even in the Magical Forest.

Arthur chuckled, amused by the mental image of matchmaker Kiku. He had always expected matchmakers to be old women dressed in shawls, not five-tonne, fire-breathing lizards. Perhaps he could knit a giant shawl for Kiku so the dragon could partially fulfill the image. Unfortunately, the shawl would probably be a fire hazard.

"Instead of riddles, you should ask questions to help the princesses gauge their interest in a potential rescuer," he suggested. He wished someone had asked him for his opinion on his impending marriage.

"You don't believe in love at first sight?" Kiku asked.

Arthur shook his head gently. "I don't think love works that way. You don't just see someone and think you're destined to be together. It's gradual. You meet them and think they look attractive, so you decide to get to know them better. And if you click, then you call it love. People make up stories about falling in love at first glance after the fact."

Kiku leaned forward, intrigued by a view so radically different from the one held by most of his previous princesses. "Sounds cynical."

"Cynical? Well, I think I'd rather be cynical than shallow. Francis claims to fall in love with every pretty face he meets. I think if love means anything, it has to mean more than that."

Seeing Arthur's distaste for the Gallic prince, Kiku tactfully changed the subject. "What happened to that knight who kept visiting?" he asked.

Arthur smiled. "I finally convinced him that I wasn't interested in being rescued."

They continued sipping their tea in silence, each thinking of their task ahead—Arthur's planned book and Kiku's final trial. At that moment, a shower of rose petals flew into the room. Arthur rose from his seat and turned to face the entrance. He spotted a figure posing dramatically, cape flying in the rose-scented wind.

"Arglwydd mawr," Arthur swore under his breath. His mother had tried to convince him to stop swearing, but when that tactic failed, she decided the next best option was to convince her son to swear in a foreign language.

Francis strode into the cave, looking much less impressive than usual. His ragged cape and dirty clothes proved that he had spent too much time traveling on a road and not enough time primping and preening. It was strange to see Francis resemble anything other than a vain peacock. At least his stubbly beard looked the same as always. Arthur wasn't sure if he was prepared to see Francis with an actual beard.

To Arthur's great surprise, Francis embraced him. Francis even tried to kiss his cheeks, but Arthur had enough experience to dodge those half-hearted kisses.

"Grâce à dieu, I thought I would never find you. Est-ce que tout va bien?" Francis asked with a worried expression. He pointed his chin at the dragon. "Has he been treating you alright?" He seemed genuinely concerned, which surprised Arthur, given their childhood of bickering.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. What are you doing here?"

Francis frowned. "What does it look like? I'm here to rescue you, escort you home, and secure peace between our countries."

A small green frog peeked out from a pile of rose petals. "Enough with the chit-chat, ask the dragon for a riddle so I can get my kiss and go home," she said. Arthur glanced at the amphibian in surprise, but compared to a talking dragon, he realized a talking frog wasn't that strange.

Francis turned to face Kiku. "Very well, give me your riddle, monsieur dragon."

Kiku nodded. Arthur began to protest—he was a volunteer princess so surely the same rules didn't apply to him—but the dragon motioned for silence. "Sorry, Arthur-hime, but I must obey tradition."

The dragon cleared his throat and said solemnly, "If I have seventy cups, and one breaks, how many tea cups remain?"

Arthur held his breath. He immediately realized the answer, and hoped that Francis wouldn't be able to figure out the trick to the question.

"Sixty-nine," Francis replied confidently.

"Wrong. Come back in a week to try again."

Kiku calmly returned to sipping his tea out of a tea cup made specifically for dragon claws.

Arthur grinned, pleased that Kiku had once more delayed the inevitable. He resolved to design several extremely difficult riddles to ensure that Francis would never be able to take him home and the marriage would never occur and Arthur could continue to live happily with his books and his tea and his dragon who actually liked his cooking.

"What?" Francis asked.

"You heard the dragon. Get lost," said Arthur.

Francis looked like he was already lost. He scooped up the frog from among the rose petals. "Angelique, now what?"

"You have to wait a week and he has the right to change the riddle if he wishes. But you found your princess, so I think I'm owed a kiss."

He pursed his lips and nodded. "Fair enough. I am a man of my word."

Francis leaned forward and pressed his lips delicately against her mouth. A whirlwind of glowing magic encased the two, sending even more rose petals flying. Arthur muttered as he ducked under the table. He had forgotten how difficult it could be to try and drink anything other than rose-petal tea with Francis around. As far as Arthur was concerned, the Gallic royal family's talent for summoning flowers was a curse for everyone who lived with them.

As the magical light faded, Arthur spotted two frogs among the rose petals and a distinct lack of Francis. He walked forward with a frown.

One frog looked at his webbed toes and began spouting Gallic gibberish bemoaning his fate. It was Francis's voice. Arthur's language skills were a little rusty, but he could tell Francis was complaining that he was ugly and green and covered in slime or possibly mucus. The Angelique-frog didn't look any happier since she had apparently expected the kiss to turn her human.

Arthur smirked. "Silly Francis, a frog needs to kiss a princess to end the curse, not a prince."

"But I _am_ a princess!" Angelique protested.

"A human princess," Arthur amended his answer.

Angelique muttered to herself as Francis finally stopped gabbling in Gallic. He sighed and then said with a hopeful tone of voice, "Arthur is a princess."

Arthur smirked. "Not a willing one."

"Hey, don't be a jerk!" Angelique yelled. "Francis has been trying to rescue your butt for more than a month, you could at least give him a thank-you kiss."

"I think not."

"Don't worry, I'm sure I can charm some princess into giving me a kiss," Francis said confidently.

Arthur frowned. Given the draconic proclivity for kidnapping silly princesses, he suspected Francis _could_ sweet talk at least one princess into kissing a frog. Arthur grabbed two tea cups and strode forward. He slammed the cup over Francis, trapping him easily, but Angelique shrieked and jumped away, evading Arthur's other cup. He cursed her better reaction times.

The princess chased the frog, but soon lost her in the flurry of rose petals. Arthur shrugged and decided that she didn't really matter. Even if she found a prince to turn her human, there was no reason she'd come back to rescue Francis.

Arthur slipped the saucer under Francis, keeping him trapped between the upside-down cup and the saucer. He smiled as he listened to the frog curse him out. He normally disliked the Gallic language, but its swear words were like music to his ears.

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

Alfred stood outside Ivana's cave, holding the reins for Ace and Feliks's ponies, Pinkamena and Princess. Feliks had decided to purchase a new pony for Toris (since the two of them would be a bit heavy for one pony) and the young man had somehow found a way to dye both ponies pink. Alfred wanted to be inside watching the chess match, but Feliks had insisted it was his riddle battle to fight. Elizabeta urged Alfred to give the two some personal space and gleefully added that she intended to give them a personal room when they all returned to her inn to celebrate. Alfred pretended to not understand what she meant and snuck out before she could give a detailed explanation.

The knight grinned as he heard a draconic sound of rage, which meant that Feliks had won the game. He smiled to himself as he heard Feliks's laughter. He couldn't wait to see Toris happy and free again. Suddenly, Alfred could hear Feliks's laughs turn into a shriek of shock. Feliks breathlessly ran out of the cave with a panicked look on his face. He grabbed his pony and leapt into the saddle.

Alfred had his hands full trying to keep control of Ace and the other pony. "Feliks! What's wrong? Where's Toris?" he shouted.

Ivana's head poked out of the cave and she flashed a toothy grin.

"Sorry, comrade Feliks, your princess is in another castle. Are you sure you don't want this one?"

"No!" Feliks shouted.

Ivana lazily pulled back into her lair, laughing the entire time. With a hollow voice, Feliks explained that Ivana had offered him a different princess at the end of the game. Apparently someone else had already rescued Toris and Ivana refused to divulge their name.

"I'm going to find him," Feliks said, his normally lazy eyes filled with determination and a hint of fear. Alfred nodded. If nothing else, Alfred hoped that whoever had rescued Toris was nicer than Ivana.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

The Dealing with Dragons book had a talking frog character, but he didn't play much of a role. In case you're wondering, Angelique is a Seychelles Tree Frog (and now so is Francis).

"Your princess is in another castle" is a reference to the Super Mario Bros games, where Princess Peach was never in the first few castles. Of course, this plot twist probably would have been more of a surprise if I hadn't included the detail that I expect this story to have 15 chapters. Sorry Toris, you'll have to wait a bit longer!

Kiku's riddle does have an answer and will show up again later in the story. The riddle of who has rescued Toris will also be answered soon. Feel free to guess for the glory of having guessed correctly ;)

**Update Schedule**

Provided the world doesn't end on Friday, I think I'll have one more update by the end of the month. If the world does end on Friday, I apologize for ending on a down note.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: The Cat Princess**

_In which Arthur and Francis chat, Angelique meets a witch, and Kiku learns of an anti-princess spell._

Angelique hopped out from under the pile of rose petals with a speed born of desperation once Princess Arthur turned his back. She hid beneath a rock crevice just outside the cave and breathed a sigh of relief that the princess had not captured her too. It was now up to her to rescue Francis from the clutches of his rude fiancé. It would probably help if she could find a way to become human first.

She wanted to blame Francis for failing to return her to her human form, but it was clear that the same spell that trapped her had somehow ensnared him too. She was going to find the cure—for her sake and for his. Francis could be vain and foppish, but he was absolutely devoted to his country and she admired his willingness to rescue a princess he didn't like in order to ensure a marriage he didn't want for the sake of preserving a vital alliance. She was glad that her island nation lacked the type of strategic value that would require an arranged marriage on her part. She had just had the misfortune to insult a wizard while traveling—leading to her current amphibian predicament.

The tiny frog gazed at the forest stretching out at the base of the cliff. Someone had told her once that the Magical Forest helped people find what they were looking for. But when she had gone in search of a cure in the depths of the woods, she found Francis instead.

She hopped down the steps with renewed determination. This time, she would keep looking until she found a witch.

* * *

Arthur filled a tea cup with water. He carefully lifted the lid and slipped the water into the wicker basket before Francis could escape.

"I'm going to starve," Francis moaned. "You will feed me some of those monstrosities you call scones and I will surely die."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Please. We have plenty of crickets about for you to eat. Actually, it will be convenient to rid the cave of some insects."

"You expect me to eat _crickets_?"

"It _is _what frogs eat. Don't worry, I checked." Arthur had indeed researched the matter in the library after he placed his captive frog in the covered wicker basket. He didn't want to hurt Francis; he just couldn't allow the prince to try another rescue attempt. Keeping him well-fed in a basket ensured that would not happen. The only price was listening to Francis's constant complaints. So really, it was basically the same as every other summer they had ever spent together after their parents arranged the marriage.

Arthur decided his next project would be creating a sound-proof container for Francis. His tree frog form was actually rather cute—so long as he didn't have to listen to him whine.

"Kiss me, Arthur," the frog begged from inside the basket. "Just one kiss."

"I didn't kiss you when you were human. I'm hardly going to start now."

"Do you want to see another hundred year's war?" Francis asked, peeved at both his condition and Arthur's refusal to help. "If our countries cannot secure a marriage alliance, what hope have we of permanent peace? I know you don't like me. Let me assure you, the feeling is mutual. But we are called on to serve a duty greater than our own selfish whims and desires. And once we are married, no one will bat an eyelash if we each seek our pleasure elsewhere."

"That was a very beautiful speech, Francis, other than the adultery portion. But my answer is still a firm, resolute, unwavering _no_."

"Please, I beg of you, Arthur, return with me to Gallia. Mathieu's sickness worsens every year. He was not well when I left and I would never forgive myself if he died before I returned. But I cannot leave until you agree to come home."

Arthur paused at the edge of the doorway. He had to think for several moments to even recall Mathieu's appearance, but he vaguely remembered Mathieu as a kind and gentle soul. He thought of his own younger brother, and even though Peter was annoying and he was somewhat tempted to just auction off the child to the highest bidder, Arthur wouldn't want to lose him forever. He could understand why Francis would care so deeply.

"I'll check on your brother," Arthur promised.

* * *

At the base of the cliff, Angelique found herself lost in a field of tulips. Oranges and pinks filled her vision, creating a multi-colored sky from her position on the ground. She gathered herself for a particularly high jump to get a better view and as she jumped above the tips of the flowers she spotted a cottage at the edge of the clearing. She jumped in that direction, hoping that the cottage's owner would give directions to a talking frog.

As she approached the cottage, Angelique heard a rustling from her right. On her next hop, she felt herself thrown to the ground and trapped by a paw. She looked up in fear and saw a line of sharp, white teeth.

"Hola! What are you doing here, ranita bonita?" the cat asked with a friendly voice. His fur was mostly white, darkening to a soft brown on the top of his head and back. One ear had a ragged edge, probably the result of a previous fight.

It took Angelique a few moments to realize that the cat had asked her a question. "Uh, I'm looking for a witch," she replied, too dazed to say anything other than the truth. The cat had mischievous green eyes and he looked like he could be quite mean in a fight.

"Ah, then you are in the right place. Emma is a good witch."

The cat lifted Angelique into his jaws and started to carry her towards the cottage. Angelique protested that she could hop on her own, but the cat replied with something she couldn't understand because he had a mouth full of frog. As the cat carried her, Angelique wondered if being a 'good' witch meant that Emma wasn't evil or if it meant that she was a skillful witch. She hoped it was both.

The cat pushed open the door with a butt of his head and plopped Angelique on the table in front of a surprised woman. She had her blonde hair cut in a sensible bob and pulled back from her face with a green ribbon. She gave the frog one look before she placed her hands on her hip and sighed. "Antonio, what have I told you about bringing 'presents' to the table?"

"Is a visitor, not a present," the cat replied, grinning. He hopped down from the table with a jaunty wave of his tail and curled up on a sunny spot of the floor. The nearby cat (a white and brown tabby) complained briefly, but made room for Antonio.

The woman ignored the cats' antics. She leaned close until she was nearly nose-to-nose with Angelique and then suddenly sneezed, barely managing to tilt her head to the side to avoid hitting Angelique with the force or her sneeze. She gave the frog an appraising glance and smiled mischievously. "So how did a princess like you end up as a frog?"

"Let's just say it's a bad idea to lose your temper with a wizard."

Emma chuckled. She listened closely as Angelique explained her predicament, leaving the table occasionally to stir the pot over her stove. She asked a few questions and then sat at the table, quietly thinking for a few moments. Angelique glanced around the cottage. The kitchen was cozy and neat and covered in cats. Antonio lay curled up with fellow cat in the sunny spot and she could see another brown and white tabby, nearly identical to the one on the floor, and a black cat lounging on the window sill.

"Ve! Don't forget the pot, Emma, it might burn!" the tabby warned.

"Thanks, Feli!" the witch said as she quickly tended her pot.

"Are you making a witch's potion?" Angelique asked. She didn't see any newt eyes lying around, but it was the sort of thing one expected to find in a witch's cottage.

"Oh, no. This is waterzooi." Emma caught the frog's confused expression and explained that it was a type of stew. She lifted the spoon to her mouth and took a sip. The young woman frowned, muttered something about 'missing ingredients,' reached for a small jar in her pantry, and added a dash of the contents into the pot.

Angelique watched as Emma sipped the stew again. This time the young witch smiled and nodded, and ladled a bit into each of the thirteen cat bowls sitting near the door, making sure to give the black cat plenty of potatoes. She whistled and the kitchen swarmed with cats. Emma then brought her own bowl to the table and sat down. She offered some to Angelique, who declined on the basis that frogs didn't really eat stew.

"I'm sure your transformation spell isn't much fun, but it's the other magical spell that has me more concerned. It itches like transformation and it's something big."

"What other spell?" Angelique asked sharply. She wasn't ready to handle _two_ spells.

Emma shook her head and frowned. "I can't sense much past the edges, but I know that it's big and it's something targeting all princesses. You don't happen to have another enemy in addition to that wizard, do you? Perhaps someone with a grudge against princesses in general?"

The frog shook her head. "I can't think of anyone. Well… I guess Princess Arthur isn't very happy with me for helping his fiancé and Francis mentioned that he knew some magic. But I can't think of why… wait! He didn't want Francis to meet a princess because that would let him return to his human form. He might be trying to use a spell against princesses to stop that."

Emma rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "I think you and I should go talk to his dragon. I want to get this magic sorted out, it keeps making me sneeze." She decided not to mention that she had a personal interest in making sure that no one created an anti-princess spell. Emma grabbed a satchel and scooped Angelique into her hands. The cats meowed their goodbyes as the young blond woman cut across the tulip field.

"What about the other spell? Do you know why I'm still a frog?" Angelique asked.

Emma smiled like a cat. "Weren't you paying attention when I made the soup? Spells don't work if you're missing a key ingredient and you forgot the most important one."

"What? What is it?" Angelique asked repeatedly, but Emma refused to answer, saying that it would work better if Angelique didn't know the final ingredient. Angelique groused to herself. She was getting very sick of riddles.

* * *

Emma snuck into Kiku's cave with Angelique perched on her shoulder. Someone had swept away the rose petals, or perhaps the spell had a time limit. Emma walked along the cold cave floor in her bare feet, leaving her clogs by the side of the door. The first door off of the main room led into the kitchen. Emma grabbed a pail of water from next to the sink. She pulled a slice of lemon from one of her pockets and sprayed the juice into the water.

As they reentered the main cave room, they could hear the soft sounds of lapping water from the back of the cave.

"Kiku must be relaxing in the hot springs," Emma explained in a whisper.

They both looked to see flickers of green light emanating from the next room. Emma entered first, finding herself in a well-stocked library. The light grew brighter and led her to a door at the back of the library. From the doorway she could see a figure in a black cloak casting a spell, a pentagram glowing green beneath his feet.

Before he could speak another word and finish the spell, Emma flung the water at him. Then she tossed the pail too for good measure.

The figure yelped in surprise and spun around. "What in the bloody blazes are you doing?" he shouted as he advanced on Emma. "You've ruined my spell!"

"We won't let you hurt other princesses just because of your grudge against Francis!" Angelique yelled back from her spot on Emma's shoulder.

Kiku suddenly appeared in the library, a wet sheen still on his scales. "Emma-hime, what are you doing here?" he asked politely. It would take more than a home invasion to cause Kiku to forget his manners.

"Your princess has been preparing to work some magic against other princesses," Emma said, although a hint of doubt had begun to enter her voice. She had expected the bucket trick to melt Arthur completely. It always worked against evil wizards.

Arthur crossed his arms and scowled. "What are you talking about? I was trying to scry on Francis's sick brother to make sure he's alright."

Emma sneezed again. "If you're not the one preparing the spell targeting princesses that keeps making me sneeze, then who is?"

Arthur shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Wait, what spell?"

"We had best find out," Kiku said softy. "A dragon isn't truly a dragon without a princess."

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Remember the cottage and field of tulips that appeared in chapter 2? That was Belgium's cottage. Her brother is the King of the Magical Forest, so for those of you wondering who Mendebar is, he's the Netherlands. He won't be appearing in this story, other than possibly in the epilogue. If I felt like writing a sequel, Neddie would get together with Kiku with the help of some transformation magic :)

For those keeping track, the characters map out like this:

Cimorene - Arthur  
Kazul - Kiku  
Alianora - Toris  
The Stone Prince - Feliks  
Therandil - Francis  
Morwen - Emma (Belgium)  
Woraug - Ivana and Ivan  
Talking Frog - Angelique

Alfred is a special character because he's a hybrid of Therandil, Mendebar, and all of the random knights that tried to rescue Cimorene. I have a reason for not making him the King of the Magical Forest, but I'm not going to explain it until around Chapter 14 :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:** **The Kind Princess**

_In which Arthur travels to the snow kingdom, Ivan entertains visitors, and Toris escapes._

After Arthur changed into dry clothes, grumbling all the while about witches who just randomly assaulted people in their own caves, he joined Kiku and Emma to make plans to seek out the source of the magic—and the identity of its creator. Kiku would question the dragons gathered for the Queen's final trial, while Emma promised to send out her cats to spy.

"Cats are terrible gossips," she explained with a grin.

As for Arthur, he planned to visit the other princesses to discover if they knew anything. Despite Angelique's protests, he also planned to keep Francis in his custody. Taking Francis along on a trip to meet princesses was a calculated risk, but it was probably safer than leaving him with a witch and a princess-turned-frog.

With the sun nearly setting, Emma waved goodbye as Angelique maintained her sullen silence. Emma paused in the doorway and apologized for drenching Arthur with a bucket of water. He still didn't understand why anyone would think that water with a bit of lemon could stop an evil wizard, but she seemed sincere, so he accepted her apology.

"Too bad it doesn't work on jerk eyebrow princesses," Angelique muttered to herself.

Emma slipped on her clogs and smiled at the dragon. "Good luck at the final trial, Kiku! I know you'll be a great Queen. And I'll remind my brother to pay you a visit. The King of the Magical Forest should be better about his obligations to fellow royalty."

Emma clopped out of the room with Angelique on her shoulder. As the sound of her clogs faded in the distance, Arthur added up the comment in his head and came to a realization.

"Wait… she's a princess too?"

He was definitely glad he had kept Francis out of their hands. One princess was bad enough, two was twice the trouble. They were nearly as much trouble as a knight. Except once he had finally convinced his knight to rescue other princesses, Arthur found himself missing the visits. Living in a crowded palace with four brothers, Arthur had always treasured his solitude. Now that he lived with the quiet Kiku, he found himself almost lonely for human company. It was bad enough that it was almost nice to have Francis around. Almost.

* * *

The next morning found Alfred and Feliks and their spare pony on the road that passed along the edges of the Magical Forest and led directly to the heart of the Snow Kingdom. After Feliks described Ivana's new princess as dagger wielding, silver-haired, and 'scary beyond all reason,' Alfred knew exactly where they would find Toris. All they needed was a plan to rescue the kind young man from King Ivan. Fortunately, Alfred excelled at plans, preferably of the zany sort.

As he was considering training an army of dancing penguins to help rescue Toris, Alfred spotted a person on horseback approaching them on the road. Even at this distance he could see the humungous blond eyebrows that helped him immediately identify the figure. Alfred stood up in his stirrups and waved.

The blond princess looked handsome in his knee-high black boots, tight beige pants, and green riding jacket. Alfred spent a few moments admiring the outfit, which was a little strange because normally Feliks was the one who liked fancy clothes. He wondered if spending too much time with Feliks was turning him into a clotheshorse too.

"Rescued another princess, have we?" Arthur asked in his crisp accent, nodding his head towards Feliks as the young men and their mounts paused in the middle of the road. "Do you mind if I asked her a few questions?"

Alfred frowned. "Her?"

Feliks flicked his pink cape over his shoulder and laughed. "He totally thinks I'm a princess, Al. People see the pink outfit and the cute ponies and, like, immediately think 'girl.'"

Arthur raised his chin and gave Feliks a challenging look. "As a matter of fact, I didn't mistake you for a girl. I assumed you were a princess because you're traveling with Sir Rescue-a-lot. Good to see that you've kept busy after I finally convinced you to stop trying to rescue me."

Alfred smiled, taking it as a compliment that Arthur had recognized his skill at rescuing princess. He'd suffered a dry spell lately given his failure to rescue Arthur, and rescuing Nataliya hadn't been much of a success either since she was now in the clutches of a different dragon. But at least her brother still hadn't realized who had ruined his first plan to hire a dragon to capture a princess. In a flash of inspiration, Alfred knew exactly how he and Feliks were going to rescue Toris. They were going to do it with Arthur's help.

"Wow, this is perfect!" Alfred exclaimed, distracting both from their staring contest.

Arthur turned back to face the knight. "Sorry, what?"

"King Ivan beat the dragon at chess so he took Toris back to Rassiya and now we need to rescue him but Ivan owes you a favor so you could do us a favor and ask for Toris and then I'll do you a favor to repay you," Alfred said in one explosive breath.

Arthur blinked. "Who's Toris?"

Alfred clapped his hand over Feliks's mouth because they could spend all day sitting in the shade of the Magical Forest if he let Feliks answer that question. "My best friend, Feliks's boyfriend, and an all-around really nice guy. So you'll help us, right?"

The knight pulled out his secret weapon—one that was much better than a magic sword or ring of unimaginable evil, a weapon that never failed to work on queens and princesses alike—puppy-dog eyes.

* * *

_Alfred could see the two cats curled up together—Dragon and Princess, as he called them—in the shadow of the monastery. He imagined that Dragon's dark fur was dark scales, and that Princess's white fur was long blond hair. He crossed the yard quietly, but not quietly enough. Dragon lifted his head and both cats jumped up and raced for the wall that separated the monastery from the nearby wilderness. _

_The monastery cats had come to learn that Alfred liked to pet cats enthusiastically, so they avoided him unless they had large amounts of hair they wanted to shed. _

_Alfred jumped but couldn't reach the top of the wall. He willed himself to grow taller, but the way remained aggravatingly out of reach. "Don't worry, Princess, I'll come rescue you next time!" he promised. Princess yawned and the cats resumed snoozing in the warmth of the midday sun. _

"_Alfredo~!" a voice called across the courtyard. Alfred turned and spotted Brother Feliciano standing near the front doors. The friar was smiling, which meant that Alfred probably wasn't in trouble. And if he was in trouble, it was better to let Feliciano mete out the punishment, since he often got distracted and would decide to replace the punishment with cooking, painting, or a game of chess._

_Alfred trotted up to the doorway, but pulled to a stop when he spotted the boy clinging to the monk's robes. The boy seemed to be the same age as Alfred, although it was difficult to tell because he had buried his face into Feliciano's robes._

_The friar knelt down and gently disentangled the child from his robes. He spoke softly, introducing the two boys to each other, and suggesting that Alfred should give Toris a tour of the monastery and introduce him to the other orphans who lived within its walls. Alfred cheerfully agreed and grabbed the other boy's hand._

_After a quick tour, Alfred explained how they could see the really interesting part of the monastery. The blond boy ducked behind the pillar. He waited as Brother Lovino entered the garden, then waved back to Toris, signaling that it was safe to cut across the corridor. As __Lovino _tended the tomatoes, the two boys snuck across the courtyard to the back entrance. They knew that Lovino would never notice them, so long as they moved quietly. 

_They slipped through a crack in the fence and raced for cover. Once they were safely hidden among the orchard trees, Alfred grabbed a branch and swung himself up. He offered a hand to Toris and pulled his new friend behind him. Swinging their legs, they laughed together and plucked apples from the nearby branches._

_As they climbed higher looking for the sweeter apples at the top, Toris's too-large shirt slipped to reveal scars near his shoulders. Alfred frowned and that night, hugged his new friend extra-tight. _

* * *

Something in Alfred and Feliks's worried expression made Arthur agree to join them. He rationalized the detour on the basis that Alfred and Feliks spent a significant amount of time near princesses and probably knew most of their gossip already. The way that the knight smiled at him when he said yes, warming him to the tips of his toes, had nothing to do with it. But now he couldn't quite remember why he had found Alfred so annoying when they first met.

"Wait, is that Camargue, Francis's horse?" Alfred asked in surprise as he got a good look at Arthur's horse. The gray horse preened at the attention, just like his real owner.

"Yes. He stole my horse and turned me into a frog," Francis muttered from the saddlebag.

"Please. You turned yourself into a frog."

"Ah, he does not deny that he stole my horse."

"Whoa. Hold on. _Arthur_ is your princess?" Alfred asked incredulously.

"What of it?" Arthur replied with his usual frown.

"I… just have trouble seeing you guys as a couple."

"I take that as a compliment," Francis replied.

"Hmph. So do I," Arthur added. He pushed Francis back into the bag and followed Alfred along the road to Rassiya. It was almost the summer solstice, but he could feel a chill in the air as they crossed the border into the snow kingdom.

Faster speeds discouraged conversation, helping them cover significant ground before sunset. When they finally made camp, Feliks tended the horses and ponies, while Alfred built the fire and pulled out the bedrolls. Francis tried to prevent Arthur from cooking dinner, but found it impossible in his small amphibian body. Alfred took one look at the scorched scones, tossed them in the fire over Arthur's objections, and prepared a pot of beans instead.

While the beans cooked, Alfred used a stick to draw a quick map of the outside of the palace based on his earlier visit. He pointed out the back entrance near the stables. Alfred and Arthur would meet with Ivan, while Feliks sneaked into the stables. Arthur would request Toris as the favor Ivan had promised, and if that didn't work, Feliks would try to find Toris and escape. Or as Alfred described it, "I'll be the hero and you'll be my backup."

As they sat around the fire eating dinner, Arthur remembered the original purpose of his trip and questioned them about any unusual events or possible spells occurring near princesses. Feliks shrugged, unable to think of anything, but Alfred frowned in concentration.

"Well, Ivana took a princess, which is strange because I could've sworn she hated all royalty. Although I've met Nataliya, so she might just like this princess 'cause she's… uh…" the knight lapsed into silence, unable to find the right description.

"Totally scary beyond all reason," Feliks finally said, finishing Alfred's sentence.

Arthur nodded thoughtfully, that tallied with what King Ivan had told him during his earlier magical mishap. Anything that scared the creepy King would have to be quite frightening. "Any reason she would want to hurt other princesses?" he asked.

Alfred frowned and shook his head. "I don't know. She's mostly focused on marrying her brother. Really, really focused."

"She might want to remove the competition, so to speak," Francis chimed in.

That night Arthur dreamed of witches and cats and talking frogs shouting at him amidst flying knives that arranged themselves in two curved lines to form the pointy teeth of an evil smile. He woke up in a cold sweat, feeling some impenetrable force closing in on him, tightening its grip. He resolved to never eat Alfred's beans ever again.

* * *

Ivan was almost frighteningly happy to see them. He insisted that Alfred and Arthur sit down for a nice cup of tea around the samovar. The silver container held hot tea extract, kept warm over a small fire. Each person added a small amount of extra to their cup using the small spigot at the base of the samovar and then mixed their tea with milk and sugar to taste.

Arthur watched as Alfred poured almost an entire cup of sugar into his tea cup. He sighed. "Next time, it might be easier to just start with the sugar bowl and add a bit of tea," he suggested sarcastically.

"That's a great idea!" Alfred cheerfully replied. He took a sip, frowned, and added another spoonful of sugar. This time he deemed the cup sufficiently sweet.

"I'm glad you came for a visit. This is nice, yes?" Ivan said with his usual, unnerving smile.

Arthur nodded, even though he much preferred his tea times with Kiku. Nevertheless, he remembered the purpose of his visit and he skillfully steered the conversation to the dragon Ivana and her captive princess.

The King cheerfully recounted his story of visiting the dragon to arrange his sister's kidnapping. After making those plans, he challenged the dragon to chess, beat her, and rescued her captive. "Toris is very nice," he gushed. "He's going to stay with me and we're going to be friends forever. Da, Toris?"

The brown-haired young man entered from a side door and refilled the samovar. He kept his gaze down, but Arthur could see the tension in his shoulders and his slight jitters as he poured more tea extract into the samovar. Arthur was suddenly glad he had trusted his instincts and agreed to help.

"I know what I would like for my reward," he said.

Ivan frowned, instantly dropping the temperature in the room. "Toris is mine and you can't have him. I rescued him, he's mine." He reached out for Toris's arm and pulled the young man close, causing him to drop the pot of tea extract.

Arthur blinked and quickly recovered. "No, I didn't mean the servant. I just realized that I wanted a chestnut horse. His hair is chestnut, so that reminded me." It wasn't the smoothest lie in the world, but it would have to do.

The king nodded and smiled warmly. He sent Toris to find a suitable horse, just as Arthur hoped he would. With any luck, Feliks was not quite as brainless as he seemed.

Alfred, following Arthur's cue, challenged Ivan to another drawn-out game of chess, this time playing with Ivan's custom-made set of red and white chess pieces. Arthur sat back and wished he had brought his knitting because watching the two young men stare intently at the board was boring him to pieces. He breathed a sigh of relief when a servant rushed into the room, until he remembered that he was supposed to be buying time for Toris to escape.

"Sire! Princess Ekaterina has disappeared!"

"What?" Ivan asked angrily.

"What?" Arthur said in surprise.

"Check," Alfred added, completely absorbed in the game. When no one responded, he glanced up at the other two and noticed the servant for the first time. "Wait, what?"

* * *

Feliks held Toris's hand from the moment they ducked out of the stables until they breathlessly reached the small thicket of trees where he had hidden their ponies. He kissed Toris in front of Pinkamena and Princess and didn't care what the ponies thought. They were free and they were together and that was all that mattered.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

What do you want to bet that Ekaterina met up with a certain talking frog? :3

**Historical References**

The Red and White armies were the two opposing sides during the Russian Civil War. Hence Ivan's chess pieces. (He's playing red, of course.) Ivan vaguely represents Imperial Russia, while Ivana is Soviet Russia. Unfortunately for Lithuania, he is held captive by both. I'm kinda tempted to go back and change Ivana's name to something else, cause it's weird having them with the same name. Any suggestions?

Also, Arthur, Alfred, and Ivan meeting together is a little like the Yalta Conference, except in my story they don't screw over Poland.

**Chess References**

An Italian monk wrote a popular medieval book in the 1300s using chess pieces as metaphors for the proper duties of different groups of people. That was one theme I wanted to explore in this story (and which will show up more later). Alfred is fascinated with the duties of a knight (which is why he loves chess), while Arthur is trying to escape his duties (and therefore dislikes chess).

Benjamin Franklin wrote something similar called "The Morals of Chess" where he compared life to a game of chess "in which we have often points to gain, and competitors or adversaries to contend with, and in which there is a vast variety of good and ill events…. and one so frequently, after long contemplation, discovers the means of extricating one's self from a supposed insurmountable difficulty." I think that's also a good way to describe the plot of this story. It's now the half-way point, so from here on out, I'll be solving problems instead of making new ones!

**Coming up next**

Do you remember those extra fortune cookies Alfred took in chapter 5? They're coming back and so is Mathieu!

Plot threads I promise to wrap up before the end of the story: Mathieu is cured, someone solves Kiku's riddle (someone other than the clever reviewer Kosaji), Arthur and Alfred spend quality time together, and it all ends with a wedding.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: The Bread Princess**

_Katyusha kisses a frog, Mathieu discovers his fortune, and Ivana reveals her plot._

Francis desperately hopped inside the saddlebag, trying to open it from within. He knew that he was inside a palace and palaces meant princesses. He hoped it also meant food because Francis was starving. He still didn't like the taste of crickets and Arthur's food… was too terrible to contemplate. But he would never taste a morsel if he couldn't find a way to escape the saddlebags, which Arthur had tied tightly closed.

Almost on the verge of giving up, Francis decided to summon rose petals _inside_ the bag, using the force to the accompanying wind to burst open the times. The trick succeeded and Francis exalted in his freedom as his horse glanced at him in surprise.

Francis hopped into the hallway and promptly found himself lost in the palace's opulent corridors. After minutes of fruitless searching, he began to smell baking bread and could faintly make out the sound of a woman singing. The scent grew ever more delicious as he drew closer, but he still couldn't understand the song.

"Pichu pichu babku, kladu na lopatku, shys u pich, shys u pich," the woman sang as she pushed a loaf of bread into the oven. She then reached for a pail and walked past Francis without noticing the small frog. Now that the kitchen was empty, he took the opportunity to jump onto the counter and look for food. He soon discovered that the singing woman kept her kitchen remarkably clean—leaving not a single morsel for a hungry frog to find. He found the spices in tiny jars, with writing in a script he couldn't understand.

Francis sighed, or tried to, since his actual effort sounded more like a croak. Lost in his own depression, it took him a moment to realize that he could hear the sound of a woman crying. Even his current amphibian form couldn't remove Francis's soft spot for a damsel in distress, so he valiantly hopped out the kitchen door, ready to face whatever dangers lay ahead.

He found the breadbaker crying softly to herself near the side of a well. She sat in the grass in her blue overalls and crisp white blouse, the image of perfect misery.

"Bonjour, mademoiselle. Can I be of assistance?" he offered gallantly.

Tears welled in her eyes as she stared at the talking frog. She sniffled. "I lost my headband in the well and it was a gift from my babúsja," she explained, before once again bursting into tears.

Francis peered into the well and considered his options. The water looked deep, but he wasn't afraid of a little water. "I think if you lowered me into the well I would be able to retrieve it for you," he offered.

"Really?" she said, blinking in surprise. "Oh, thank you little frog!"

"Please, call me Francis," he replied, before hopping into the bucket. She lowered him down and he soon found himself in the cold water at the bottom of the well. Even in the dim light, he found it remarkably easy to spot the bright blue headband. He paddled his webbed feet and swam to retrieve it. Francis lifted the small piece of fabric into the bucket with a feeling of triumph. "Got it!" he called, and she quickly pulled the bucket back to the surface.

"Thank you, Francis. Thank you!" she said effusively, lifting both the wet headband and the wet frog out of the bucket. She kissed Francis twice and set him back on the stone rim of the well. Francis blinked—pleased that he didn't even have to ask for a kiss as a reward and surprised to find that he was still a frog.

"How can I thank you?" she asked.

"Well… you could take me to your princess."

She nodded. "I can do that. Actually, I am Princess Ekaterina, but everyone calls me Katyusha." She smiled at him shyly. "You probably think it's strange for a princess to bake bread, but my brother has such trouble convincing servants to stay and he says that he likes my cooking best."

"If you're a princess, why am I still a frog?" he asked, speaking his thoughts out loud.

"My babúsja told me a story of a frog prince who became human when a princess threw him against the wall," she said thoughtfully. "Or in another story she chopped off his head."

Francis backed away slowly. "I think I'll stick with kisses," he said quickly. "But perhaps you could do me a different favor, you see, I have a sick brother…"

After Francis explained poor Mathieu's predicament, she sniffled at the sad story and agreed to help him escape and travel to see his brother. He would have escaped on his own, but as a frog he needed a human's help to ride his horse. They traveled on Camargue and Francis took no small amount of pleasure in stealing back his horse from Arthur.

* * *

"I didn't know princesses knew that sort of language," Alfred said after listening to Arthur cuss impressively for a full minute. He felt like he should be taking notes, although he still didn't know what it meant to smell of elderberries.

"This princess bloody well does." Arthur glared and kicked the door of the empty stall, startling the nearby horses. "I can't believe that _frog_ stole my horse!" From the way he said it, 'frog' sounded like a curse word all on its own.

Alfred shrugged and tried to be reasonable. "At least Ivan gave you a new one."

King Ivan had bid them a hasty farewell after he learned about his missing sister. From what they could tell, the servants had noticed her missing when they smelled burnt bread from the oven. Apparently Katyusha, unlike _some_ princesses, never burned her cooking.

Alfred scratched the back of his head. He could have sworn that Arthur and Francis didn't like each other, but it seemed that Arthur was jealous that Francis had run away with a different princess when he should have been relieved. Maybe all of that bickering was just cover for a deep and abiding love. He tried not to think about it as they trotted out of the palace, but Arthur was obviously upset and it was his duty as a heroic knight to help.

They passed by the small grove where Feliks had hidden the ponies and America smiled to see the lack of ponies. He hoped they had found somewhere safe to travel, very far away.

"I could track him," Alfred suggested. "If he really means that much to you," he added sourly.

Arthur laughed. "Please, I would be thrilled if I thought Francis had chosen another princess, but I know him too well for that. He's gone home to see his brother and then rally a group of guards to drag me back. Or worse… he'll bring my mother."

"So if I find Francis and capture him again, you'll be able to stay with Kiku?" Alfred asked with a grin, feeling suddenly and inexplicably cheerful. Maybe if Francis and Arthur talked they'd finally agree to give up their silly treaty marriage and then Arthur would be available for rescuing and then… Alfred didn't know what would happen next, but he suddenly wondered where _that_ line of thought had come from. Perhaps he was just really eager to rescue a princess to improve his overall record. Yes, that had to be the reason.

* * *

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Mathieu knew that he was having a fever dream. It was the only possible explanation. He had fallen asleep with a burning forehead and woken up to find a wet towel on his forehead and an angel sitting by his side, her platinum blond hair framing her head like a halo. She lifted a spoon to his mouth and fed him soup—rich and hearty, unlike the thin gruel his nurses fed him.

Mathieu smiled at her and she smiled back. She was the best part of his dream, although he still wondered what part of his fever-addled dream was responsible for the talking frog who claimed to be Francis. He fell into a doze, hoping that the angel would still be there when he woke up.

The feverish young man drifted in and out of consciousness, waking briefly as the angel pressed a new damp cloth on his head or gave him a small sip of water. He heard snippets of song and conversation in his dreams and the sound of voices murmuring just at the edge of comprehension. He slept for a time and remembered nothing more.

The sounds of a heated argument brought Mathieu to full consciousness. He lifted himself slightly from his bed to see a healthy version of himself arguing with the angel. His healthy doppelganger seemed to be looking for something and making wild gesticulations. Mathieu felt a small stirring in his chest, reminding him that he ought to do something to protect his angel. The sick young man stumbled out of bed, took two steps, and crashed to the floor.

His angel was by his side immediately. It was hard to focus on her face. Mathieu tried to say something, but she shushed him gently, cradling his head so it wouldn't hit the floor. Mathieu blacked out and returned to consciousness as the doppelganger carefully lifted him back into his bed. Mathieu wondered if it was necessary to thank a version of yourself for your assistance. He focused on the two, trying to understand their conversation.

"It's your fault that he stumbled out of bed," the angel said. Her voice was soft, like he had imagined, but hid a hint of steel.

"I'm sorry. I thought he was napping, I didn't realize he was sick." The doppelganger suddenly grinned and bounded out of the room. What felt like moments later, he returned with something that looked like a small brown cracker.

"Maybe this will help," Mathieu's twin explained.

The angel looked at it curiously as his doppelganger slipped the cracker into Mathieu's hands. Gripping both of his hands, the doppelganger helped him break it open, and then offered the slip of paper to the angel. She read aloud:

"Yellow meadow all aflower  
Million trees with countless leaves  
Ballads knew their healing power."

Both faces crinkled in puzzlement.

"I don't know what the means," the young man admitted. "Yao's cookies are usually more direct." He glanced down at the floor and smiled. "Hey Francis, I was wondering where you were hiding."

Mathieu heard a familiar sigh as the Francis-frog leapt onto his bed. He wasn't sure how a frog could manage to look sad, but this one did as it pressed a webbed foot against Mathieu's hand. He thought it would feel cold and slimy, but it reminded him of a tender caress.

"Can you blame me?" the frog asked sardonically. "I know that Arthur sent you."

"Do you understand the fortune?"

The talking frog shook his head. "Yes and no. It seems to speak of a plant that can make Mathieu better. Perhaps if it were an herb used for food, someone here would know the answer, but I can think of only one person who will definitely be able to identify the plant we need."

The frog chuckled. "Come now, Alfred… you've best take me to Arthur."

* * *

As the sunlight cast its final, reddish rays on the Mountains of Morning, Kiku waited patiently for the final trial to determine the Queen of the Dragons to begin. He had questioned the other dragons gathered for the trial without success, but now it was time to turn his thoughts to winning the title of Queen.

A murmur of draconic voices grew as a purple-hued dragon approached the small hillock at the center of the gathering. Ivana climbed the hill and smiled down at the assembled dragons. The current Queen—who was supposed to announce the final trial—was nowhere to be seen.

"I'm afraid her Majesty is… indisposed," Ivana announced.

Ivana bared her teeth and beckoned for someone in the assembly to come forward. The princess Nataliya slipped through the crowd and came to a stop in front of her dragon. Even Kiku—the master of the inscrutable expression—couldn't tell what the princess was thinking.

"You see a princess, but I see a pet. Why have we become so dependent on these creatures for our source of purpose? We're dragons! We have fiery breath and fearsome claws so that we can lay waste to towns and steal treasure. We do not need to bother with stupid riddles and games and princesses. So I am here to announce that there will be no more queens."

The dragon flicked her claws and murmured a spell in foreign tongue, causing purple flickers of light to surround Nataliya and swallow her form. The light dissipated, revealing a cat where the princess had once stood.

Ivana grinned. "And also, no more princesses."

* * *

Not far from Kiku's cave, Arthur found himself swamped by a dizzying wave of magic. He reached forward to stabilize himself, but found that the distances were all wrong and the horse seemed to be getting larger as he fell off the side. The horse panicked as Arthur landed amongst the flying hooves. He felt one of the hooves connect and had the brief sensation of flying towards the ditch before everything went black.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Cliffhanger!

You'd better believe the next chapter is going to be fluffy and might possibly involve Alfred saying embarrassing things to a cat ;)

**Ukrainian References**

Ukraine's song is a children's nursery rhyme that translates as, "I'm baking, baking a cake, I put it on a paddle, and place it in the stove." Bread baking is also a reference to Ukraine since it's called the breadbasket of Europe. That's one reason Ukraine has such impressive… milk jugs.

Slavic fairytales do include various versions of the frog prince where the frog is turned back into a human by an act of violence. Since Katyusha is Ivan's sister, I wanted her to have a little hint of creepy too :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: The Transformed Princess**

_In which Arthur climbs a tree, Alfred rescues a cat, and Francis proposes a tropical retreat._

Being woken up by a dog's cold nose pressing against your face is rarely a pleasant experience, but it was even worse for Arthur. He was damp and cold and didn't understand why stabs of pain kept shooting up his leg since the last thing he remembered was riding on his horse. Arthur blinked his eyes and felt every hair stand on end as he saw the giant hell-beast sniffing at his face. He leapt to his feet and tried to run, finding it more difficult than usual because he had two extra legs.

He raced out of the ditch as the dog followed at his tail. Relying on instinct, Arthur raced to one of the giant trees and climbed it quickly using his claws. He gripped the branch tightly and shouted at the dog, "Bad dog! Go away!"

The dog continued barking. Then whined and set on its haunches, prepared for Arthur to come down eventually.

Arthur glanced down at the ground, which seemed much further away than possible. His leg still hurt—a dull aching pain from an injury that must have occurred when he fell into the ditch. The pain lessened now that he wasn't running away from terrifying canines. Arthur noticed a cream paw on the branch beneath him and the realization slowly dawned that it was _his_ paw. He swished his tail and tried to understand how he could sense something that shouldn't exist. Arthur rested his head against the tree branch and focused his thoughts.

The good news was that the world was not suddenly filled with giant dogs and trees. The trees and dogs were the same size as before—he was the one with a changed perspective. The bad news was that he wouldn't be able to undo the spell without his spellbooks. Also, he wasn't sure how he was planning to scale down the tree much less deal with the barking dog.

Arthur glanced around looking for a potential source of help. Colors seemed strange and he thought he could see more greens than normal. He could smell more of the forest. The musk of a nearby dying tree, the sweet sap flowing beneath his paws, the scents of flowers wafting on the breeze. It was all very beautiful—but unfortunately, none of it could help him shoo away the dog or return to his human body.

Just past the next line of trees, he could see the road that led to Kiku's cave. Arthur called for his horse, hoping that it would scare away the dog. Nothing responded.

Arthur rested his head on his paws and consoled himself with the knowledge that he definitely wouldn't have to worry about marrying Francis now. A cat marrying a frog, what a pair they would be!

He sighed, unsure what he intended to do once Alfred returned with Francis. At the moment, his best plan was to ship Francis to a princess-free tropical island. He certainly didn't intend to keep his fiancé in a wicker basket for the rest of his life.

Arthur watched the sun slowly set, changing the angle of light filtering through the trees. He dozed for a while, but perked up as he heard hoofbeats coming along the road. Arthur hoped it was his horse coming back for him.

"Over here, come here girl!" he called as the dog began barking again.

The horse and its rider trampled through the small amount of brush separating the road from Arthur's tree. As they approached, the dog whined and ran away. The rider glanced up into the tree's branches, giving Arthur a clear view of his face. It was Alfred. Arthur felt both grateful and embarrassed.

Alfred smiled. "Hey there, little fella. Need help getting down?"

Arthur stood up and carefully moved closer to the trunk of the tree. "No, I'm fine, Alfred. I'm just… contemplating my options." Cats managed to climb down trees all the time, and he was smarter than a cat, so it couldn't be hard.

The cat princess stared at the trunk and tested his claws. They seemed to give him a good grip, all he would need to do was make a rush down the tree. Arthur gathered his courage and prepared to run down. He twitched his tail in agitation and stared at the ground… which appeared to recede before his eyes. Arthur backed up and shook his head. He needed a better plan. Preferably one that didn't involved depending on his new claws.

Alfred dismounted and moved closer. "Looks like he's stuck," he said, glancing up at the tree with a fond smile.

"I'm sure I can manage. I'll just… or perhaps I could…"

"Alfred, we don't have time to rescue cats from trees," Francis muttered in annoyance. "He found a way up, he can find a way down."

"What kind of heroic knight would I be if I left helpless kitties stuck in trees?" Alfred called back with a grin.

Arthur ignored their conversation. He moved this way and that, but he was already on the lowest branch and a good ten feet from the ground. He wanted to jump, but his legs wouldn't let him. He looked at Alfred's smiling face and admitted that he would have to do something very difficult. He needed to ask the knight for help.

"On second thought, I could use just a… um, a bit of assistance," Arthur said nonchalantly. "This tree seems a little taller than when I originally climbed it. Do you think you could place some soft plants at the base of the tree?"

Alfred called his horse over and had Ace stand next to the tree. Then he pulled himself to a standing position on the horse's back, using the trunk to hold himself steady as he stood to his full height. With his own height plus the horse's, Alfred could easily reach Arthur.

"Now, no claws. Got it?"

"Of course not," Arthur replied dismissively. He didn't bite that hand that fed him, or in this case, claw the hand that rescued him. He allowed himself to be manhandled—cathandled?—and carried down to the ground.

"Oh geez, it looks like his leg's hurt," Alfred said as he gently touched Arthur's leg.

"It's just a flesh wound."

"I'd better take him to Emma. She knows how to fix up cats."

"The witch? Are you crazy?" Arthur protested. "She threw a bucket of water on me the first time we met. I can't imagine what she'll do now that I'm a cat. No, take me back to Kiku. I'll be able to use my spellbooks to heal the leg and become human again."

"Geez, he's a talkative fella, ain't he?" Alfred said fondly.

"Yes, almost as much of a prattlebasket as you," Arthur retorted.

"Hmm, perhaps it would be a good idea to see Emma first," Francis said thoughtfully, realizing that it would give him an opportunity to see Angelique. Alfred nodded and closed the saddlebag. He cradled Arthur against his chest and then urged his horse to a trot.

Arthur resisted the urge to sink his claws into Alfred's flesh. "Are you listening to him or to me? I said Kiku's cave," he protested loudly.

"Don't worry, little fella, we'll get you all healed up soon," Alfred said gently. Arthur curled tighter and tried to ignore his precarious position. He didn't want to fall off a horse twice in the same day, but Alfred seemed to be ignoring his every attempt to insist that he slow down and head to Kiku's lair. Arthur replayed the conversation in his mind and drew the logical conclusion.

"You can't understand a single word I'm saying, can you?"

* * *

Alfred reached Emma's cottage at twilight. He kept the cat he had rescued in his arms, worried that it would get in a fight with one of Emma's cats. The cat at least seemed content to be carried and held. Alfred knocked on the door.

"This isn't one of yours, is it?" he asked as Emma opened the door. She shook her head and agreed to examine the cat. The cat waited patiently on the table, far quieter than when Alfred had originally rescued him from the tree. He guessed that the cat realized that Emma wanted to help. She tended to have that effect on animals. She examined the injury as Alfred watched.

"Nothing I can't handle," Emma reassured him as began to rummage through her cupboards looking for a specific potion.

Alfred reached out to scratch the cat behind his ears. "Is he upset? I can't tell why his ears are folded down," he asked as he continued petting the cat. He was a cute cat with white fur and cream spots.

"No, that's just the way his ears are," Emma replied as she handed a milk saucer over to Alfred. "Have him drink this. I think he likes you better than me."

Alfred set the saucer in front of the cat and continued gently petting him as the cat lapped up the milk. The cat's fur seemed surprisingly soft for a cat he found lost in the woods. He wondered if it was someone's pet, but only Emma lived in this portion of the Magical Forest. From what Alfred had heard, she had a disagreement with her brother a few years back and had declared her own territory. They still visited each other, but both seemed happier living alone (to the extent that a person living with a dozen cats could be said to be living alone).

"Any idea who he might belong to?" Alfred asked. Perhaps if he couldn't find the owner, he'd keep the cute cat for himself.

Emma brought another set of potions to the table. She thought for a moment and finally replied. "Arthur, perhaps. Although I didn't see a cat when I visited recently. By the way, when you see Arthur, let him know that he can stop worrying about the anti-princess spell. It seems to have dissipated on its own."

Alfred nodded, even though he didn't understand discussions of magic. He much preferred riddles and swords. His favorite was the Gordian knot, which involved both. Alfred noticed the cat starting to sway to the side under his hand. He glanced up at Emma, who didn't seem concerned.

"That's just the potion taking effect," she explained. "I want him sleeping while I fix his leg."

The cat twitched his tail and stumbled to the edge of the table. Alfred swept the confused cat into his arms and tried to calm him as the feline panicked. Despite his fear, the cat kept his claws retracted. Eventually Alfred set the sleeping cat on the table. Emma quickly and expertly fixed his leg with herbs and spellcraft. Alfred watched, impressed that she could fix a wound in only a few minutes. Then again, with her number of cats, she probably had a lot of practice.

"All better!" she said with a smile. She offered him use of her guestroom for the night as she put away her potions and herbs. Tired and hungry, Alfred gladly accepted. He placed the sleeping cat on a pillow at the head of the bed, grabbed his saddlebags from outside, and checked in with Francis.

"No point in seeking out Arthur tonight, he will only be grouchy," Francis agreed, then bid Alfred good night.

Underneath the starry sky, Francis hopped out to join Angelique in the tulip field. They sat together in silence. He had brought her up to date as soon as he arrived and she in turn had given him good news—Emma didn't discuss her spells much, but her cats had gleefully informed Angelique of a spell that could remove the effects of a spell and cause the effects to rebound on the original castor. She was looking forward to turning the wizard she had angered into a frog.

"When we're human again… what then?" she asked.

"I was thinking that I could visit your tropical island, perhaps."

She laughed. "Don't you need to get married to eyebrows-jerk?"

"If Arthur can spend a few months in a dragon's lair, surely I can afford to visit your island."

"You would like Seysel. One of the islands has a little cove we call silver beach because the sand is so pure. It looks gorgeous next to the turquoise sea. I could spend all day sipping coconut and listening to the crash of the waves. And, oh, the fish. I miss the fish most of all," she said wistfully as she described her home. "I wish I was back there and not stuck here eating crickets."

Francis nodded—he had been wishing the exact same thing.

* * *

Arthur woke up to the sound of soft breathing on the pillow next to him. With his newfound night vision, he examined the room. It was small, just barely large enough to hold the bed and a night stand. Alfred slumbered next to him, his expression filled with youth and innocence. Arthur debated finding a new spot to sleep, but the ground looked much harder than his current spot on the soft pillow. Warmth and comfort won out and he curled up and returned to sleep.

Rays of warm sunlight peeking through the shutters woke Arthur in the morning. He stretched and realized that his leg now felt completely fine. His annoyance with Emma disappeared.

"_Come on, are you planning to sleep until noon_?" Arthur asked Alfred, before remembering that anything he said would come out as meows. In this case, the meows had the desired effect. Alfred blinked and sat up in the bed. He reached out to pet Arthur's fur.

"Well, little fella, I can't keep thinking of you as 'cat.' You need a name."

"_I have a name. A perfectly good one, too_."

"These dark spots over your eyes kinda look like eyebrows… so how do you like Browdy?"

Arthur hissed and jumped down from the bed. He had been subject to a number of indignities as a cat, but he was drawing the line at a name based on his eyebrows. His eyebrows were perfectly lovely and he didn't care what anyone else said.

Alfred laughed. "Guess that's a no. You don't need to hiss, they're cute eyebrows."

Slightly mollified, Arthur returned to the bed and let Alfred pet him a little longer. A deep rumble started in his chest and he realized to his embarrassment that he was purring.

"Since I found you in a tree, maybe 'Twiggy' would work? You're pretty small," Alfred said as he gave Arthur a final pat on the head and climbed out of bed.

The knight pulled a new set of clothes out of his saddle bags and began shamelessly changing his clothes before Arthur realized what was happening. Arthur turned his head to the side, but he still caught an appetizing glance of muscles and tanned skin. He tried not to feel embarrassed for the third time that morning. If a cat could look at a king… surely he could look at a knight, he reminded himself.

Spending so much time with a touchy-feely knight was doing nothing for his mental state. Arthur needed to find a way back to humanity…

"Come on, Twiggy-iggy, it's breakfast time!"

…and the sooner the better.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Two-thirds of the story done!

Do I need to rate this fic M because Alfred and Arthur slept together in this chapter? ;)

**Love and Duty and Riddles**

As any of you who've read the Shades of Spades will know, I love building stories around the tension between love and duty. Of course, because I'm a huge romantic, my characters always find a way to reconcile the two. Here, I've posed the I-don't-want-to-marry-Francis problem as a riddle, because the theme of this story is that any riddle can be solved.

Why riddles? Well, "Dealing with Dragons" is the main story inspiring this one, but another key source I used for inspiration was the Hobbit, mainly for the idea that dragons love riddles and for the concept of a riddle battle. I didn't want rescuing princesses to involve actual violence. My love of Professor Layton was another inspiration for using puzzles to complete quests.

**Monty Python References**

"It's just a flesh wound" is the fourth reference to Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail in this story. I love tossing in Monty Python references :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: The Island Princess**

_In which Alfred is hungry, Kiku is relieved, and Francis is unhelpful._

Breakfast at Emma's cottage was a haphazard affair. Arthur followed Alfred into the kitchen and jumped onto the table (he felt a twinge of guilt, imagining his mother's horror after all of her years of etiquette lessons, but if he was stuck in a cat's body, he might as well enjoy a cat's privilege of ignoring the rules). Emma seemed to have a particularly lax policy of allowing cats on the table. If he had been human, it would have annoyed him. As a cat, he took the opportunity to listen to Emma and Alfred's conversation close to face level.

"So where are the—"

"Over there," Emma promptly replied, pointing to a platter of tasty waffles keeping warm on the stove. "I knew you would ask."

Alfred loaded his waffles with whipped cream and strawberries, took a seat at the table, and began happily chewing. Arthur opened his mouth to remind Alfred to chew with his mouth closed, then remembered that he was a cat sitting on a table, so the usual rules of etiquette probably didn't apply.

"Have you decided what to do with your new friend?" Emma asked. She reached out a hand to pet Arthur, but he backed away. He still hadn't forgiven her for tossing a bucket of water on him or for dousing him with a sleeping draught, even if she had fixed his leg.

Alfred shrugged. "I'm going to ask Arthur to take care of Twiggy. I think he's lonely. I mean, he always acts like he doesn't want me to visit, but then he comes up with some sort of excuse for me to come back."

Arthur harrumphed to himself. Alfred's comment was absolutely ridiculous. Perhaps Alfred wasn't as completely awful as he first seemed, but Arthur wasn't intentionally encouraging his visits. That was just a coincidence… right? But as he started to think about it, be began to wonder what his subconscious might have planned.

"It's true. For two people who claim not to like each other, they sure spend a lot of time together." Francis added as he hopped on the table. Arthur regarded him wearily—as a cat he was much larger than the frog prince, but the others probably wouldn't react well if he pounced on the frog, as tempting as it was.

"I like Arthur, he's just…" Alfred paused, unsure of the right word.

"Grumpy?" Emma offered.

"Deeply unhappy due to his inability to form connections with other people?" Francis added.

Alfred shook his head. "No, it's more like… well, I remember the time I rescued Yao's princess and we had to take a ship to get back to her home. The first view of her island—you just saw these tall cliffs, rising straight up from the sea like a wall holding back the ocean. But once you climbed the cliff, the people were really nice. Of course, maybe they were just happy that I brought their princess back."

"Are we still talking about Arthur?" Emma asked. "Because he was awfully grumpy when I met him," she said. Arthur thought it was rather unfair of her to neglect to mention that she had doused him with a bucket of water. Anyone would be annoyed by that.

Alfred shook his head. "You just need to get to know him better. He traveled to another kingdom to help me rescue a friend, I'm sure he'd be happy to take care of a cat. He's a big softie behind that grouchy exterior." He smiled to himself—not his usual confident smile, but one that hinted at a shyness he rarely showed.

With that said, Alfred resumed attacking his waffle and Arthur pondered his words. Francis and Emma drifted on to other conversation topics (namely, her delicious waffles and the recipe thereof), oblivious to Arthur's tumultuous thoughts. He was surprised by the tenderness of Alfred's sentiments. They _were_ friends, weren't they? And maybe… they could be more? Arthur hadn't contemplated the possibility before now. When he was human again, Arthur had a lot of questions he planned to ask.

Alfred eventually finished his waffle and several more for good measure. Arthur was surprised one person could eat so much and not be spherical (although he could now attest from personal experience that the knight had more muscle than fat). Emma, who had long since finished, began preparing a mid-morning snack for her cats (and a snack for Alfred too after he begged for one).

Fortunately, the ride to Kiku's cave didn't take long, even though the horse path involved more turns than the staircase cut into the cliff that Arthur had climbed when he first arrived. Arthur hopped down as soon as they arrived—he had allowed himself to be carried in Emma's cottage because of his hurt leg, but he was going to enter his home on his own four feet.

"Twiggy! Hold up!" Alfred called.

"_I hate that name_," Arthur muttered as he entered the cave. He hoped Kiku was home. The final trial should have ended yesterday, but Kiku might have stayed to celebrate, assuming he had successfully won the Queen's crown.

"Well, I personally would have called you 'sourcils.' It even has 'sour' in the name, monsieur sourpuss. But I doubt you'd get the joke," Francis said as both frogs hopped in behind Arthur.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. He pounced and trapped Francis between his paws. "_You could understand me, you stupid frog_," he growled. Before he could threaten Francis further, Alfred lifted him off the frog and called him a bad cat for attacking the frog.

"_I'm not the bad guy. He's the one withholding crucial information_," Arthur protested fruitlessly. He found himself held in a firm grip. He could probably escape if he used his claws, but he didn't really want to hurt Alfred.

"Arthur? Kiku?" Alfred called into the cave.

"I'm sure he must be nearby. Do you think he'll help me find the plant to cure Mathieu?" Francis asked. Arthur realized he was asking his questions in a way to avoid tipping off Alfred that he could understand Arthur's speech.

"_Will you leave me alone if I find a cure_?" Arthur counter-offered as Alfred carried him from room to room. The frogs followed behind, trying to hide their amusement.

"Once Mathieu is cured, Arthur could marry him instead of me," Francis replied. "The treaty doesn't care which Gallic prince fulfills the terms, so my brother can serve as well as I can. In hindsight, the Albans probably should have waited for a daughter to be born before signing."

Arthur considered his options. Anyone was better than Francis. On the other hand, he liked Matthew and didn't want to force him into a loveless marriage. At least if it was Francis, he wouldn't feel bad for constantly bickering with his spouse. But he still planned to escape the marriage if he could.

"_I've no objection to helping you with Mathieu, but you must give me another year with Kiku_," Arthur replied. One year would be enough time to develop a permanent plan. Or perhaps he could convince Kiku to move somewhere far away and not leave a forwarding address.

Francis conferred with Angelique out of hearing range as Alfred continued exploring the cave. He held the cat with one hand and a lantern with the other as he followed the paths leading to the hot springs at the back of the cave. The hot air steaming off the springs hit Arthur uncomfortably as they neared the back of the cave. Steam that was pleasantly warm on skin turned out to be nearly unbearable on fur. Alfred, to his credit, noticed the cat's discomfort and set him down, reminding him not to attack the frogs.

Alfred peered into the water and a panicked look shot across his face. He searched in the nooks and crannies at the edge of the water, his actions puzzling Arthur deeply. He wondered what Alfred expected to find in the pools of water. Kiku kept his treasure in a different room since the water would only destroy his treasure trove of books.

After a lengthy search, the knight finally breathed a sigh of relief. Whatever he wanted to find, he was happy not to find it. Perhaps the heat had dulled Arthur's wits because it didn't occur to him until after they returned to the main entrance of the cave that Alfred might have been searching for his drowned body. He shuddered at the gruesome thought.

Arthur left Alfred alone to continue his doomed search and went to find Francis so they could iron out their agreement. They met in the kitchen because it was the portion of the cave Alfred had searched most quickly (explaining that it was unlikely Arthur was in the kitchen since there didn't seem to be any black plumes of smoke emanating from the room).

The engaged pair quickly hammered out a deal: Arthur would get another year and in return he would use the spell Angelique had discovered to return both Angelique and Francis to their proper forms. Arthur was excited to learn about the spell, since he intended to use it on himself to return to his proper form. It had only been one day and he was tired of being a cat.

Arthur was the first to hear it—the sound of wing beats outside the cave. He knew what that sound meant. It was the sound he heard each time Kiku returned to the cave. He raced to the entrance. He hoped that a dragon could understand a cat's speech, since it would be much easier than communicating via Francis and Angelique.

Kiku entered the cave looking much larger than Arthur remembered. He kept forgetting to account for his changed perspective. Kiku's normally expressionless eyes seemed haunted. He called into the cave, "Arthur?"

"_I'm the cat_," Arthur replied, hoping against hope that dragons were at least as good at understanding cat speech as talking frogs were.

Kiku looked him directly in the eye and nodded. "Ah, that makes sense. Thank goodness you are alright," he spoke serenely, but Arthur could hear the deep relief in his tone. "I was worried that Ivana had done something permanent, but now I see… she was using Nataliya as a catalyst for the other princesses. Don't worry, Arthur. I will find a way to cure this."

Arthur walked forward and rubbed against the scales of Kiku's forelimb. He wanted to hug the dragon, but this was as close as he could manage at the moment. He knew how much Kiku believed in the importance of dragons keeping princesses and how fond he was of Arthur in particular. Taking away his princess was almost as unforgivable as trying to steal his tuna.

Alfred bounced into the room excitedly. "Hey, Kiku! Oh good, you've met Twiggy. Look, do you know where Arthur is? I can't find him."

"Twiggy?" Kiku asked.

Alfred grinned. "The cat. What do you think? It's a great name, right?"

"_He doesn't know_," Arthur explained. He hoped Alfred wasn't too embarrassed to learn that he had spent nearly a day carrying around Arthur without realizing it. Then again, he suspected that Alfred would just be happy to learn that he was okay. The frightened expression that crossed Alfred's face as he checked the hot springs flashed across Arthur's mind.

"Arthur doesn't like it," Kiku replied cryptically. Arthur realized that the dragon intended to mislead the knight with the truth, just like the first time he met Francis and succeed in convincing the Gallic prince to search other dragons for an entire month.

"_No, it's alright. He can stay. I think he can help_."

Kiku glanced at him in surprise and then grinned. "Nevermind. Arthur does like the name."

"_What? That isn't what I said_."

Francis hopped into the room and sighed. "The cat _is _Arthur. He loves the nickname. Now can we _please _help him cast the magic spell to turn me and Angelique back to humans? I want to eat a quiche so badly. Anything but crickets."

Arthur watched the expression on Alfred's face morph from confusion to surprise to relief and then to anger… at Francis.

"Why didn't you say something earlier? I was worried!"

Francis shrugged. "I planned to, but it was more amusing not to."

"Enough, I must make plans for Ivana," Kiku said softly, his menacing tone silencing Alfred and Francis. As the dragons always said, it was best to speak softly and use a long-range flame attack. Kiku had thought that Ivana's decision to capture a princess showed a willingness to return to the true dragon's path. He saw now that she intended to cast aside everything it meant to be a dragon. By tooth and claw, he was going to stop her.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Kiku vs. Ivana, place your bets!

Also, I think Alfred and Arthur just realized that this is a USUK story. Their slow relationship progress is what I get for trying to stick too much plot and too many characters into a romance. Oops. Anyway, the reason I think USUK works so beautifully is because Alfred has the perfect mix of persistence and oblivious to let him slip past Arthur's defenses. Which raises the question of why Arthur pushes people away in the first place, but this is a happy, fluffy story so I'm not going to delve into Arthur's less-than-stellar childhood. (Alfred's oblivious persistence can also be a very negative personality trait when he tries to help people who really don't want his help.)

**Princesses, Gotta Mention 'em All!**

In case it isn't clear, Yao's princess in Alfred's story was Mei. Taiwan does have some amazingly beautiful cliffs, plus the cliff metaphor also works for England and the cliffs of Dover. Yay, all of the female nations have been mentioned in this fic! (Lili and Vietnam's mentions are brief, but they're there.) It's a good thing the story is nearing the end because I've run out of potential princesses :P


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: The Clever Princess**

_In which Arthur casts a spell, Ivana poses a riddle, and Kiku accepts his crown._

Kiku hid his smile as he watched Arthur lap tea from a saucer with his tongue. Arthur had insisted on tea (with milk, of course) as they prepared their strategy against Ivana. It seemed that some things never changed.

They laid out a map of the location near Ivana's cave as Kiku thought over what he knew about the other dragon. Ivana had always been a strange dragon, preferring chess to riddles and kidnapping non-princesses. She had no respect for draconic traditions. A glimmer of an idea began to form in Kiku's head. He could exploit her weaknesses. She expected a battle with claws and flames, but he had a better weapon—one she would never expect.

"Ivana does not respect princesses. She thinks they are flighty and useless. She will expect an attack from dragons... not from princesses. I believe that is her greatest folly," he explained to Arthur. "She underestimates you."

"_Explain to me how she used Nataliya to cast the spell_," Arthur asked and Kiku obliged. Normally a spell had to be cast directly on a person, but Ivana had used Nataliya as a stand-in for every dragon's princess, making the snow princess the spell's weak point.

The cat nodded. "_If I can sneak into her cave, I believe I know a spell that would solve the entire problem_..."

* * *

Several hours later, Kiku watched closely as Arthur chanted the words to create a glowing circle beneath Angelique's webbed toes. When Arthur finished the incantation, glowing particles of lights surrounded her body, each one attaching itself to her until she appeared to glow from within. Her form stretched and grew until a final burst of light revealed a young woman standing in the circle. She gently touched her long brown pigtails and then whooped excitedly.

"Finally! I wish I could see the look on that wizard's face right now!" she said with a grin.

"He would probably look like a frog," Francis replied, stepping to the center of the room. He smiled at Angelique and reached out a hand to brush her hair. "You're as beautiful as I imagined."

"_I told you it would work_," Arthur said smugly as he padded over to Kiku's side. "_Angelique wanted to use that spell because it takes the curse and sends it back to the original castor. But the other advantage is that it breaks the chain of spells on anyone else affected_."

Kiku nodded. "I see what you intend. If you cast the spell on Nataliya-hime..." he smiled to himself. It would be a fitting revenge on the renegade dragon.

Arthur scrunched his nose. "_Could you tell Angelique and Francis that they need a bath? The swamp smell is terrible from down here_."

Kiku relayed the message, but changed it to a polite invitation to use the hot springs at the back of the cave and added an offer to find them a new change of clothing. Perhaps it was for the best that Angelique and Francis could no longer understand Arthur's meows. Ignorance would encourage more harmonious relations.

Arthur's preparations and research to cast the spell had taken most of the day, but they would be ready to lead an assault on Ivana's cave the next morning. Alfred had agreed to provide a distraction—he would challenge Ivana to a chess match, giving Arthur plenty of time to sneak in and prepare the spell.

A hint of smoke caused Kiku to lift his head. He followed the delicious scent to the kitchen where Alfred had just pulled a sheet of burnt biscuits from the oven.

"Are those for me?" Kiku asked politely as he stared at the food intensely. They looked almost as wonderfully crisp as Arthur's scones. He knew they were bad for his health, but he had been dreaming of charcoal briquettes for days.

"Sure." Alfred dumped the burnt biscuits onto a plate and pushed it across the table to the dragon. Alfred laughed and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "This is why Toris always tells me to stick to beans and bacon."

"_Your beans are terrible too_," Arthur added. He still didn't understand why Alfred had thrown away his perfectly delicious scones as they traveled through Rassiya. At least Kiku appreciated his cooking.

"So did the spell work?" Alfred asked as he dug through the pantry for something else to eat. He found some hard tack, but tossed it into the rubbish bin after one bite. Eventually he found Arthur's secret stash of chocolate. Arthur huffed as the knight ate the chocolate and made a general mess of his kitchen.

"_Leave that alone! You're ruining my organization_," he scolded.

Kiku answered Alfred's question without translating Arthur's other statements. "The spell worked perfectly. Would you mind using the wardrobe in Arthur's room to find new clothes for Angelique-san and Francis-san? Their current ones smell of frog."

Arthur wrinkled his nose. "_You could use some new clothes yourself_."

"Feel free to take some for yourself too," Kiku translated.

* * *

Alfred opened the wardrobe expecting to find plain shirts and trousers. Instead, he discovered a wild assortment of outfits. He pulled out a blue dress and turned around to stare at Arthur in confusion.

"Why do you have a dress?"

Arthur jumped down from the bed and butted his head against the wardrobe door, causing it to slam shut. He stepped back and nodded at Alfred, who took that as his cue to open the wardrobe again. This time, he found the closet filled with capes of all colors.

"Whoa."

Alfred closed the door and focused on the idea of an outfit for Francis. The wardrobe responded with an exact duplicate of Francis's outfit. He added it to the pile with the blue dress and then tried again with himself in mind. He tossed new trousers and tunics onto the bed next to Arthur, who reacted with an annoyed meow. Alfred imagined it was something like, 'Watch where you're tossing clothes, you prat!'

Then Alfred spotted something perfect. He pulled out a brown leather jerkin and held it front of his chest. "Is it me?" he asked Arthur.

The cat meowed and nodded.

Alfred grinned. "Does that make it the cat's meow?" he asked teasingly.

Arthur dropped his head into his paws, the cat equivalent of rolling his eyes. He kept his head down as Alfred changed into the new clothes. While Arthur wasn't looking, Alfred pulled an extremely pink and frilly dress out of the wardrobe and tossed it onto the cat. Alfred laughed loudly, grabbed the clothes for Francis and Angelique, and raced out of the room before Arthur could escape the folds of the pink dress.

* * *

The next morning, Arthur was still annoyed at Alfred for the pink dress incident, but he set it aside long enough to accept a ride to Ivana's cave. He hopped off the horse near the entrance. Kiku had explained that a dragon could detect the scent of a human entering their lair, but would never notice the scent of a cat.

"Dragon Ivana, I challenge you for the princess Nataliya!" Alfred called, his loud voice echoing through the cave.

Ivana peeked out from the entrance and grinned. "Very well. Here is your riddle: is a cat still a princess when she's a cat?"

"Uh. Are you sure you don't want to play a chess game?" Alfred asked desperately. Arthur needed time to find Nataliya and a simple yes or no question wouldn't give him enough time.

Ivana shook her head and smiled creepily. "No. I prefer this game. It is a simple question. Yes... or no?" She tapped her claws as she waited for an answer.

While Ivana was taunting Alfred, Arthur darted around the corner and explored the cave. It was larger than Kiku's and had a pile of gold in one room instead of a library. He much preferred Kiku's collection of books. He finally found Nataliya in her bedroom, curled on the bed. She hissed when she spotted him and brandished her claws. He backed away and quickly explained that her brother had sent him to help rescue her.

After that lie, Nataliya gleefully helped Arthur prepare the spell. He listened with one ear to the conversation at the entrance of the cave, knowing that he had to rely on Alfred to successfully distract the dragon.

"Do you give up?" Ivana asked cheerfully.

Alfred bit his lip. He didn't trust Ivana to ask a straight question and it seemed that her riddle was more than it seemed. He racked his brain and blinked as he realized the answer. "This is a trick question, isn't it? If I say yes, you'll say it's the wrong answer. But if I say no, you'll say it's the right answer and that since she's not a princess, you're not obligated to return her."

Ivana nodded her head. "Very good! This is a fun riddle. So what is your answer? Not that it really matters, but it is always good to follow procedures." She waited for a minute and then turned back to her cave.

"I know where Toris is," Alfred said suddenly, causing Ivana to turn back to face him.

She shrugged. "And so do I. Nataliya agreed to become a cat so she could curl up next to her brother and sit in his lap when he plots world domination. I will simply steal Toris back when I return her to her kingdom of snow."

"Well, you won't find Toris there. He escaped."

She narrowed her eyes and leaned forward. "You would trade his freedom for Nataliya's? I don't believe you."

"There is nothing I wouldn't do for someone I care about," Alfred replied forcefully, conviction showing in every line of his face. He'd always dreamed of being a hero. He _was_ a hero. And right now being a hero meant distracting a dragon for all that he was worth. The dragon didn't have to know that he wasn't doing it for Nataliya.

Ivana nodded sharply. "Very well. Tell me where he is and I'll give you Nataliya."

"It's a bit hard to describe, but I could draw you a map!" Alfred offered. He took a stick and sketched out the nearby countries in the dirt. The dragon watched closely.

"Tss. That's a terrible map," she said, going on to criticize his inaccurate placement of the different countries and his complete lack of understanding for relative country size. "How do you find your way out of bed in the morning?" she asked in exasperation.

At that moment, small particles of light appeared in a swirling torrent of magic around her body. She opened her mouth to speak, but as the light dimmed, only one sound emerged.

"Meow?"

Alfred trapped her in a burlap sack and tried to remind himself that she was a mean dragon and not the cute fluffy gray cat with lavender eyes that she appeared to be.

Nataliya and Arthur walked out of the cave. Alfred smiled and waved the bag, causing Ivana to hiss within. "Good job, Arthur!"

"You. Knight. Take me home to my brother now," Nataliya demanded.

Alfred glanced at his horse and the other two people and realized that they had forgotten to account for transportation back to Kiku's cave. They had three people and one horse. Seeing the problem, Ace whinnied and trotted away. Arthur tried to chase after him, but Alfred held him back and told him to wait a few minutes.

Sure enough, Ace reappeared leading another horse by the reins. Arthur recognized the mare as the one he had lost two days prior after he turned into a cat.

He shook his head in amazement. "That is one clever horse."

"Orlova!" Nataliya cried, recognizing her brother's horse. She glanced at Arthur and Alfred and dismissed the likelihood that they would be more useful than her trusty daggers. Without a second glance, she swung up into the saddle and galloped away, her skirt fanning out behind her.

"Have fun storming the palace!" Alfred shouted as he waved jauntily at the departing princess. He sincerely hoped that they would never see her, her brother, or any other member of her creepy family ever again.

Kiku and a large group of dragon landed in the clearing. Kiku took the sack from Alfred's hands and listened intently to Ivana's angry meows. He smiled serenely, ignoring the catty insults.

Kiku lifted the sack in his claws and addressed the other dragons. "Ivana kindly provided us with a riddle as the final trial to become Queen of the Dragons," he said, creatively reinterpreting Ivana's challenge as a riddle. "She asked what it means to be a dragon. She thinks it involves swooping and pillaging villages. She is wrong. As your Queen, I will uphold our traditions of kidnapping princesses and engaging in honorable riddle battles."

The dragons cheered for Kiku. Finding a way to return the princesses to their true forms hadn't been the real trial to become Queen of the Dragons, but they weren't going to argue because they were grateful for his efforts. Monika, the King of the Dragons, produced the crown and offered it to Kiku.

Kiku donned the crown and nodded at Arthur. "Thank you, Arthur-hime. Are you ready to serve as the Queen's Princess?"

Arthur smiled fondly. "We'll see," he replied, repeating the same line Kiku had given when the dragon agreed to let Arthur serve as his princess. Kiku nodded and smiled slightly, knowing that it meant yes.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Oh Kiku, I love you. I've always seen Kiku as a trickster character, but a very subtle one. Unfortunately, I have trouble writing his dialogue, so he hasn't had much of a showing in this story.

If you want a visual approximation of cat!Ivana, she looks like cat!Yzma at the end of the Emperor's New Groove. (If you haven't watched this film you should. It's quite funny.)

**Historical References**

I've been playing fast and loose with historical alliances in this story, but the Ivana/Kiku animosity here is inspired by the 1904 Russo-Japanese War. They (Russia and Japan) were fighting over the lovely resource-rich Manchuria. To the surprise of most nations, Japan won. And get this: the war started with the Battle of Port Arthur (!)

I'm going to pretend that this historical trivia is meaningful and not just a coincidence.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: The Forgotten Prince**

_In which Arthur actually uses his Latin skills, Alfred questions his purpose in life, and Toris delivers some sage advice._

They returned to Kiku's cave to have a magnificent party celebrating the crowning of the new Dragon Queen. Arthur felt his heart swell with pride as he watched all of the dragons happily devour his scones. He thought it surprisingly polite of Angelique, Francis, and Alfred to leave the scones for the hungry dragons.

Even better, Arthur received an upgrade in his own title: he was now Kiku's Princess, Royal Chef, and Chief Librarian. The only thing left to do was fulfill his bargain with Francis to ensure a stress-free year without the Gallic prince breathing down his neck. Perhaps it would finally give him time to catalogue Kiku's entire library collection.

After the dragons left the next morning, Arthur settled down amidst a small mountain of books and carefully reread the words on the slip of paper Francis had given him.

"Yellow meadow all aflower  
Million trees with countless leaves  
Ballads knew their healing power."

Francis had promised him that it was a poem that could cure Mathieu and Arthur in turn promised to do his best to decipher the answer. He focused on the last line, deciding that it was the most likely to lead him to the answer since there could only be so many ballads about healing flowers. He made his way through the books collecting old poems and discovered that there were more poems about healing flowers than he had anticipated.

Arthur licked his finger and turned the page. As he read through the old Alban ballad, "The Dowie Dens of Yarrow," he felt a frisson as he reached the end of the poem. Yarrow, also known by its Latin name of _Achillea millefolium_, had been considered a healing herb since antiquity. Even better, mille folium could mean countless leaves. Arthur smiled to himself, pleased that his Latin lessons had finally proved useful.

Normally, yarrow plants had white flowers, but he supposed that the magical healing variety might have yellow florets. Fortunately, Arthur had a nearby forest full of magical flowers and a friend with a horse who was eager to help.

"I do wish that Nataliya hadn't stolen my mare," Arthur said as he climbed up on the pillion behind Alfred. He wrapped his arms around Alfred's waist (just for a secure handhold, of course). He could have asked Alfred to fetch another horse, but it seemed more trouble than it was worth. It wasn't like he enjoyed the proximity from curling his arms around the knight's waist.

They rode together in silence for a short time, although Alfred quickly proved incapable of maintaining it. He turned his head to the side to catch a glimpse of Arthur behind him, giving Arthur a good view of the knight's grin and sparkling eyes.

"So... can I keep calling you Twiggy?" Alfred asked mischievously.

"No."

"How about Figgy? Like figgy pudding. I had that in Albion once."

"No."

"Wait! I've got it. Iggy!"

Arthur rolled his eyes and refused to dignify that suggestion with a response. (Years later, he would realize that had been a serious mistake, although he had grown almost fond of the nickname by then.) Instead, he directed Alfred to take a side path into the Magical Forest. With any luck, they would find the flower he wanted in a short amount of time, assuring him at least one blissful year free from Francis, as per their cordial arrangement.

When they walked along a path looking for a snipe in the spring, the Magical Forest had been a colorful and fragrant riot of spring flowers. Now in the height of summer, greens predominated, making it easier to spot the few remaining flowers. Arthur spotted a plant with leaves as large as an elephant's ears and approximately the same shape. He recognized it as taro and nodded to himself, given the peculiar nature of the Magical Forest, it meant they were getting close.

Arthur's eyes traced the dappled shadows and looked for clearings with bright sunlight where yarrow would grow best. In a small clearing he finally spotted a golden and familiar flower. Unsure how many would be needed, Arthur pulled out several handfuls of yellow yarrow and held them against his chest.

"What will you do after Francis heals his brother and comes back for you?" Alfred asked on the way back. He seemed rather worried about the whole business, although Arthur may have just been imagining it.

The day was warm and sunny and the Francis problem seemed safely distant.

"I'm sure an idea will occur."

* * *

Alfred lent his horse to Francis. First, it seemed like a nice thing to do because Alfred had sort of forgotten to think ahead and remember to bring a horse for Francis. Honestly, even Feliks had remembered to bring an extra horse when he rescued Toris, so it couldn't be _that_ hard. Second, it gave him an excuse to spend a whole week with Arthur while Ace made his way back to Kiku's cave. (Slightly longer than a week, actually—Ace took the long route because he was a smart horse.)

And by the end of the week, Alfred finally realized why he had never been interested in any of the other princesses. Because none of them were Arthur. They didn't sputter and scowl and blush and they certainly couldn't match Arthur's eyebrows or his temper or the boundless kindness hiding behind the grouchy exterior. The Alban princess had as many layers as an amazing, complicated, delicious cake (which was a fine metaphor, so long as Arthur wasn't the one _baking_ the cake).

For once in his life, Alfred didn't know what to do. He was a hero and heroes didn't just run off with someone who was already engaged, especially when their marriage was a linchpin ensuring good relations between two countries. On the other hand, it seemed like breaking up this engagement would be doing a favor to both parties.

Alfred needed advice and he knew exactly where to turn.

* * *

Francis found his way home with a minimal of fuss. He missed Angelique's presence, but it didn't seem fair to ask her to stay away from her home any longer, particularly when Emma was willing to give her a ride back on a magic carpet. (The only downside to riding on Emma's magic carpet was that it was coated in cat hair.)

Mathieu was sleeping quietly as Francis entered the prince's bedroom. He sat next to the bed and gently brushed the young man's hair to one side. Francis barely remembered the wasting illness that took their mother a decade ago, but he remembered every year watching Mathieu follow the same path, fading before their eyes. The worst part was that the illness made everyone forget Mathieu unless they focused on remembering the poor prince. Even their father forgot his other son sometimes. At least Katyusha had kept her promise to take care of Mathieu in his absence.

Francis prayed for his brother as he brewed the yarrow in a tea. They had tried so many cures over the years—herbs and leeches and poultices and potions—but he had faith that this one would finally work.

Over the course of several days, Francis watched as the young man's hair and eyes seemed to brighten from pale white and violet to a healthier gold and indigo. A healthy glow appeared in his cheeks. The entire palace celebrated once Francis reminded them about Mathieu's existence. Francis wept with relief and hugged his brother tightly.

When Mathieu smiled during his first walk outside the palace in a decade, Francis nearly gasped in recognition. How had he not seen the resemblance before? A magnificent plan began to form in Francis's mind. But first, he and Mathieu were going to take a tropical vacation. They deserved it.

* * *

The Hungry Inn was bustling with people, but when Elizabeta spotted Alfred she easily slid through the crowd and gave him a quick hug. "Feliks is in the stables and Toris is in the kitchen," she said, easily anticipating his question.

Alfred waved his thanks and ducked into the kitchen as she continued delivering beer to her rowdy customers. He found Toris wearing an apron, with his hair tied back, except for two tendrils of brown hair that had escaped the tie and were now framing each side of his face. Toris looked up from his cooking and smiled at Alfred. He pushed two bowls of soup into Alfred's hands, told him to be useful and deliver one to Feliks, and then kicked him out of the kitchen until Toris had finished dealing with the noontime crowd. He always was one to be dutiful about his chores.

Feliks, on the other hand, was perfectly willing to abandon his stable duties to talk about ponies. He thought Pinkamena might be pregnant and he was ecstatic as a new grandparent. He was already trying to come up with new names. By the end of Feliks's long discussion, even Ace was looking bored. Alfred shot up immediately when Toris walked in to the stables, grateful for the distraction.

With a quick kiss on the cheek, Toris reminded Feliks that the other horses would probably like some attention too. They left Feliks to his grooming tasks, although Alfred promised to come back later and help. Feliks would definitely spend more time braiding ribbons into tails and manes then he would scooping out manure.

Alfred wasn't surprised to see that Elizabeta had given Feliks and Toris a room with one, large bed. There wasn't much in the room other than the bed and table, since Toris hadn't had an opportunity to collect many belongings and Feliks didn't keep much other than his ponies and clothes.

"Do you guys still play?" Alfred asked, gesturing towards the pink chessmen on the table.

"Yes, but Feliks only uses Polska rules now." Toris smiled at the confused look on Alfred's face and explained, "that means it's always his turn."

Alfred chuckled. "Yeah, he tried that the first time he played with Ivana too. I thought she was going to _eat_ him for tossing her pieces in the air." He grinned at Toris. "By the way, you don't need to worry about her ever again. She's going to be spending the next hundred years as a cat."

The relaxed over a cup of coffee and Alfred finally acknowledged the reason he had come to visit his friend. He didn't like to admit it, since a hero should be able to solve problems on their own, but he needed advice. "If I like someone, how do I know if they like me back?"

"I know it's not easy, but you just have to ask."

Alfred flopped on the bed and gave a helpless sigh. "Also, he might be slightly engaged to someone else, who's kinda a friend."

Toris arched an eyebrow. "Slightly engaged?"

"Uh, yeah. It's complicated."

"Relationships generally are, but it helps if you're honest. If he likes you, great. And if he doesn't, don't chase him. He might doubt you, so you just have to show that you're dedicated without pressuring him."

Alfred nodded, thinking of Nataliya. It was good to be a loyal hero, but he didn't want to turn into a stalker. Especially not a stalker with daggers.

Toris sipped his coffee and smiled. "When I first met Feliks, I thought he was flighty. That's why I wanted you to let him make the rescue attempts on his own. I thought he would give up after the first week, but he kept coming back. Perhaps it was a blessing that he wasn't good at chess, because it gave me an opportunity to know him."

Alfred's smile dimmed and he ducked his head. He remembered begging Toris to travel with him to go rescue princesses because Toris was his friend and much better at cooking. Unfortunately, his friend quickly caught Ivana's attention. Alfred sighed. "I'm still sorry that Ivana met you because you were helping me."

"Don't be. I enjoyed our time together."

Alfred grinned, bouncing back to his usual cheerfulness. He was glad that Elizabeta was so willing to help Feliks and Toris, but she had always been very kind, especially in romantic matters involving two young men. He and Toris chatted a while longer, recalling the good times together at the orphanage, getting in and out of trouble, mostly instigated by Alfred. Alfred didn't remember his parents and Toris never talked about his, so the kids at the monastery were the closest they had to a family.

Alfred stayed for dinner and helped scoop manure as he had promised, but he was eager to leave. He had a new quest now and a princess he really wanted to see.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Yes, I have been waiting ALL THIS TIME to make the Poland chess joke from Episode 45 :)

Some people were surprised that the story didn't end last chapter, which makes sense because that was the end of the Kiku / quasi-_Dealing with Dragons_ story line. But this story also borrows plot elements from _Searching for Dragons_ (because if I just did _Dealing with Dragons_, Arthur wouldn't get together with anyone, and what sort of USUK fic would that be?) so it has another chapter to go (plus the epilogue).


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: The Normal Princess**

_In which Alfred just can't say no to free food, Francis discovers that love blinds all five senses, and Arthur kisses his brother. _

"Okay, I know I've promised you this for a very long time, so I just want you to know that I keep my word," Alfred said as he squarely faced the cave's mouth. He swung down from the saddle and let go of the reins.

"We are going to rescue a _normal_ princess," he said to his horse. Ace whickered in reply and Alfred thought it almost sounded like a chuckle. He hoped his horse was laughing with him and not at him.

"Hello?" Alfred called, his voice echoing throughout the cave.

"Oh, hello there!" a girl replied cheerfully. She peeked out of the cave and smiled hesitantly. She perfectly matched the image of a sweet princess. Her blond hair was cut short and she wore a pink dress with dainty lace at the collar.

"Are you the Princess Lili?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yes, but I'm afraid Vash isn't here right now. Would you like to come in? Would you like something to drink?" she offered politely.

Alfred cheerfully accepted—he never said no to free food. Lili offered a cup of tea and a plate full of chocolates. He skipped the tea and went straight for the chocolates.

"So, Princess, do you want to be rescued?" Alfred asked with his mouth still full. Arthur would have been horrified at his manners, but at least Alfred now knew to ask before just rescuing someone.

Lili smiled and shook her head. "No, thank you, I'm very happy here. My kingdom was destroyed a few years ago, but Vash rescued me. He's taken care of me ever since. He even promised me that he was going to bring home a new friend for me."

She cheerfully gossiped, sharing news from the other princesses who sometimes came to visit her. Alfred ignored most of it, but his head suddenly snapped to attention when she mentioned "The upcoming wedding between Albion and Gallia."

He choked on a chocolate. "Wait, what wedding?" he demanded.

"Oh, I don't really know the details. But the two kingdoms made a treaty before I was born and apparently they're finally having the wedding to make it official. I wish I could go. Weddings are so beautiful."

"Yeah, I need to go," he said, knocking back his chair as he stood up. She stared at him in confusion and apologized if she said something wrong. "No, no, thanks for the food. I just realized that I have to do something," he replied, shouting the final portion because he was already leaving the cave at that point.

"Sorry, Ace. Looks like we're never going to rescue a normal princess. Now let's go stop that wedding," he said as he swung up into the saddle. If the horse was disappointed by the news that they were never rescuing a normal princess, he hid it well.

* * *

"...it's rather sudden, don't you think?" Arthur asked.

"Not really. Your mother came to Gallia shortly after you ran away and they started planning the wedding a month after that. When I mentioned that you helped me find the cure for Mathieu they insisted on setting the date as soon as possible," Francis explained.

Listening in on their conversation from just outside the cave, Alfred tightened his hand into a fist. He couldn't believe that Arthur's mother had started planning a wedding for her son while he was still missing. He wanted to rush in and save Arthur, but the normally irritable blond didn't seem at all upset by the sudden wedding plans. Perhaps, Alfred thought to himself, he had completely misjudged the relationship between the two; it wouldn't be the first time he walked away with the wrong impression because he couldn't read the atmosphere, whatever that was.

Alfred stood outside the cave and debated just leaving. As he hesitated, his horse took matters into his own hoofs and roughly pushed Alfred forward. The knight stumbled into the cave, drawing the surprised glances of Arthur, Francis, and Kiku.

"I thought you were off rescuing Lili," Arthur said in a confused tone.

"Uh, I finished early. She seemed happy where she was."

Francis clapped his hands together and smiled. "_Mon ami_, this is perfect! You've heard the news, no? You must come back with us—my brother Mathieu wants to meet you and thank you for your help."

Alfred shook his head, thinking that it sounded like one big chance for awkwardness. "No, thanks. I'm not a fan of weddings."

Francis flicked his wrist, dismissing Alfred's concerns out of hand. "You simply must come. The more, the merrier," he reassured the knight. "And there will be plenty of free, delicious Gallic food."

"Free food?" On that note, Alfred immediately agreed. He couldn't say no to free food. Every hero had his weakness, and Alfred's happened to be free food. It was like his kryptonite, but instead of making him weaker, it made him pudgier.

"I must insist you answer a riddle before you leave," Kiku warned politely.

Alfred tried to hide a smile. If Francis couldn't answer the riddle then Arthur wouldn't be able to leave! He was glad that Kiku was clever enough to find a way to stop the wedding. Kiku cleared his throat and delivered the same riddle as he had before. "If I have seventy cups, and one breaks, how many tea cups remain?"

"Seventy cups. Just because it is broken, does not mean it is not a cup." Francis grinned to himself, pleased at his cleverness.

"Wrong," Kiku replied.

Francis sputtered and tried to guess again. "Zero. You never said they were tea cups!"

"Also wrong."

"The answer is sixty cups, of course," Arthur interjected.

Alfred frowned. Any question he had that Arthur was opposed to the marriage had now disappeared. If Arthur didn't want to leave, he could have stayed silent. But he still didn't understand how Arthur's answer could possibly be right and he asked him to explain.

Arthur smiled. "Because Kiku is playing a trick. 'Seventy cups' and 'seven tea cups' sound precisely the same. When a riddle has multiple plausible answers, as this one does, he can simply decide which one is the 'correct' answer after you guess."

"Arthur-hime is correct."

"Right that the answer is sixty cups or right that the riddle is a trick?" Alfred asked.

"Yes," the dragon replied unhelpfully.

* * *

To Alfred's great relief, Francis had remembered to bring a spare horse. He didn't think he could stomach the sight of Arthur riding behind Francis, wrapping his arms around the Gallic prince's slender waist. Thankfully, the two of them maintained their normal bickering and didn't talk about the wedding at all.

Alfred debated making up an excuse to leave, but that would be running away, and heroes didn't run away. Well, occasionally they ran away from a dragon's flames, but they always returned to the fight as soon as possible.

Turns out that dragons were _easy_ to understand compared to princesses.

* * *

With a pleased smile, Francis watched as the two idiots traded furtive glances, completely oblivious to what should have been obvious. Alfred and Arthur sat together by the fire, and when they accidentally brushed hands, they both pulled back like they had been burned. The heat rose in their cheeks, although both would undoubtedly blame it on the warmth of the fire if asked.

Francis shook his head. They were lucky that they had big brother Francis to look after their interests. He had delayed his trip to Seysel in order to forge some official documents. He couldn't wait to see the look on Arthur's face once he realized what Francis had done.

"Francis, why is the food taking so long? Are you burning it?" Arthur demanded without a trace of irony.

Francis scoffed as he produced three steaming bowls of pot-au feu, with fresh bread and gourmet cheese on the side. It was a simple meal, but there was only so much he could do without a kitchen.

"Mmm, Francis, this is amazing!" Alfred gushed as he stuffed his mouth with food.

Francis nibbled the cheese, enjoying its soft texture and subtle flavors. "Yes, it is far superior to Arthur's pathetic burnt efforts, non?" he asked with a smirk.

Alfred stuffed more food into his mouth in an obvious effort to buy time. He chewed slowly, glancing back and forth between Arthur and Francis, clearly suffering an internal struggle between the correct answer and his obvious desire to please Arthur.

"Pah. Don't be absurd Francis, my cooking is the toast of dragon society."

"Yes, it's certainly _toasted_."

Alfred swallowed. "Uh... yeah. I like your cooking, Arthur."

At that moment, Francis could understand why the young man would lie to please Arthur. The normally grumpy princess reacted to the slight compliment with a blissfully happy smile and sparkling eyes.

"Better than frogface's cooking?" Arthur asked, pushing his luck and showing off his stupid new nickname for Francis.

Alfred smiled back. "Yeah, you look... c-cook good."

Francis rolled his eyes, not that either one was paying him the slightest bit of attention. He'd heard it said that love was blind. Now he could confirm that it was also tasteless.

* * *

Arthur tried to stay out of sight because he did not want to have a Supremely Awkward conversation with his mother, but his little brother Peter, twerp that he was, found his hiding place and spilled the beans to the Alban Queen.

"Arthur, sweetie!" she cried before hugging him tightly. "I'm so glad that Francis rescued you from that nasty dragon."

The young man bit his tongue—Francis had agreed to keep it secret that Arthur ran away, but in return, Arthur let the prince claim credit for the "rescue." It was too bad his mother shared the popular dislike for dragons, he thought she would get along swimmingly with Kiku if she ever got to know the dragon on a personal level.

She discussed the wedding preparations cheerfully while Arthur listened with only half an ear. There was only so much he wanted to hear about cake, dresses, and all of the distant relatives who had arrived to celebrate. She finished with, "...and of course it will be wonderful for you boys to have three more brothers."

Arthur snorted. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be related to Francis, even if it was by marriage. Then he frowned in confusion.

"Three? I thought it was just Francis. No, wait, he also has that sick younger brother. Well, not sick anymore. What's his name?"

His mother pulled out a piece of paper. "Mathieu and Frédéric," she said, reading from the paper. She smiled guiltily and admitted that she had written down the names just so she could remember them. "For some reason, they always seem to slip my mind."

Arthur nodded. It had always been difficult to remember Mathieu. Sometimes he sat down to have tea with the lad and then forgot he was even there.

Noticing their conversation, Francis sidled up to Arthur and smiled mischievously. "I had better introduce them to Arthur, non? Also, I believe Father is looking for you, Madame."

"Please, Francis, call me mother," she insisted with a smile. "I know the wedding isn't for a few days, but with all of the time you and Artie spent together, it already feels like we're family."

They watched as she swept down the hallway. Five years after his father's death, Arthur was glad that his mother had finally found happiness with a new man. He just never expected that it would be with Francis's father. Unfortunately, they had both made it very clear that they still expected the treaty marriage to go forward. It seemed that the kingdom's lawyers had made a serious mistake when they specified 'prince' and 'princess' in the marriage treaty.

Francis sighed. "Your mother's so ladylike. It's a pity you did not inherit any of her charming personality."

"Your idea of 'charm' is lying through your teeth."

Francis grinned. "You wound me! And after I went to all the trouble of getting you a wedding present. I think you will like it very much." He tugged on Arthur's elbow and pulled him out of the room and through a familiar corridor.

"This had better not be a repeat of that haircut fiasco," Arthur complained, though he grudgingly allowed himself to be dragged along. He could tell that Francis had something planned, but oddly enough, for once he didn't think it was malicious.

Francis stopped just outside Mathieu's bedroom and he gestured dramatically. "_Mon ami_, allow me to introduce you to my brothers. Mathieu... and Frédéric."

Arthur stepped inside and immediately froze as he caught sight of two Alfreds. The two young men sat together on the bed talking excitedly (one more loudly than the other).

"That's not possible," the princess said softly.

Francis chuckled. "People forget poor Mathieu and Frédéric so easily. But I assure you that every single official document in the palace confirms their identity."

Arthur began to smile as he realized what Francis had done. If a pawn could become a queen, surely a knight could be promoted to a prince. Given the general tendency to forget Mathieu's existence, the hustle and bustle of wedding preparations, and the uncanny resemblance between the two, it wouldn't have been hard to convince everyone that their were two princes instead of one. Arthur sighed happily.

"Francis, I take back all of the mean things I've said about you over the years."

"Oh? All of them?"

"Well... no. Your beard still looks stupid."

"Not as stupid as your hair," Francis replied with a grin.

"It's going to be awkward calling him Frédéric."

Francis shrugged. "I needed a Gallic name and that was the closest."

"Do you really think no one will notice?"

"I guarantee it."

* * *

Alfred had a great time at the wedding once he learned that Francis and Arthur weren't the ones getting married. The food was just as delicious as Francis had promised and he loved every moment he spent with Mathieu, who was the brother he had always wanted.

Still, he allowed himself to be pulled away from the crowds and the buffet tables when Arthur said he wanted to talk. They ambled along the perfectly manicured gardens (filled with roses, of course) for a few minutes in a comfortable silence.

Alfred glanced over at the other young man and realized that this was a perfect opportunity to take Toris's advice. They turned to face each other simultaneously. Caught up in the moment, Alfred blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Arthur, I think I love you."

Arthur smiled and stepped closer. "Well, why didn't you just say so?"

Alfred tried to find something to say, but he was too happy to think. He leaned forward two inches and kissed Arthur, and discovered that he didn't need to say anything at all.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Remember when I mentioned that Francis wasn't the villain of this story? This is why :)

In fairy tales if a princess goes off wandering the world, she will almost inevitably meet and fall in love with a disguised prince. Even Cimorene ended up with a King. So I thought it would be amusing to have Alfred subvert that cliché here. Plus, I got to throw in another chess metaphor. Sort of. (A pawn that crosses the board can be promoted to any piece other than king, but pretty much everyone promotes it to queen, because that's the most powerful piece.)

Also, I'm starting to think I might need to make a few more references to have some of this stuff count as foreshadowing, because even I barely remember what happened in Chapter 5 (when the fortune cookie suggested that the solution was adopting a brother). The current level might be more akin to slight tinting than actual foreshadowing. Sometimes I forget how weekly updates on ffnet make it hard to remember past chapters.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: The Happy Princess**

_In which everyone gets a happy ending (yes, even cat!Ivana)_

**Alfred, Arthur, and Kiku**

After the wedding, Alfred and Arthur returned to Kiku's cave, because they both thought that Kiku had the right to know why he would need to find a new chef. Weddings took a long time to plan and the palace staff were tired from arranging the most recent one, so the two decided to have a long engagement.

Alfred was a little nervous about informing Kiku, because some dragons tended to get testy when their princesses ran off with someone, but Kiku didn't seem to mind at all (in fact, he didn't even seem surprised by the news).

"Good for you," he said to Arthur. "And congratulations to the pair of you." He smiled slightly and tilted his head. "I'd been wondering how much longer you were going to stay, Arthur-hime."

"Then you really don't object?" Alfred asked, relieved that he wasn't going to have a dragon for an enemy. King Ivan was bad enough.

"Why should I?" Kiku said. "You've been very polite about the whole thing. That doesn't happen often. Normally, knights and princes just grab a princess and run. And most of the princesses don't even bother to say good-bye, much less give proper notice." He looked at Arthur and sighed.

"I will miss your cooking, though."

"I can come back for a week or two, if you'd like, and train a replacement," Arthur offered.

"I may take you up on that, once I find one," Kiku said thoughtfully.

At the end of their stay Arthur successfully convinced Kiku to deliver the magical wardrobe that created clothes to the Gallic palace. For reasons Alfred didn't quite understand, Arthur wanted to give the wardrobe as a present to Francis to thank him for a favor (exactly what the favor entailed, Arthur didn't bother to explain). A wardrobe that magically produced clothes did seem like the perfect gift for Francis.

* * *

Arthur and Alfred stopped by Emma's cottage. She provided waffles, congratulated them on the engagement, and promised that she would send a pair of cats as a wedding gift.

"I have the perfect ones in mind!" she said, grinning her unique cat-smile.

* * *

Sometime near the end of their long visit with Kiku, it finally clicked in Alfred's head that he was going to marry his step-brother. He suddenly laughed, drawing Arthur's attention. Arthur gave him a bewildered look, and Alfred explained:

"I think I need to apologize to Nataliya."

"Whatever for?"

Alfred grinned.

"Because I want to marry my brother."

* * *

**Elizabeta, Feliks, and Toris**

Alfred and Arthur visited Elizabeta's inn a month later. But they discovered that Feliks and Toris were now the ones running the place.

"Where's Liz?" Alfred asked curiously.

Feliks smiled and told the story. Elizabeta had been seeing a dark-haired bard, Roderich. Eventually, as their relationship progressed he confessed that he was actually a prince who had been cut off from his parent's wealth because they thought he was turning into an aristocratic laze-about. They wanted him to find a girl and settle down and stop expressing all of his feelings through music.

_"Elizabeta, I have a bit of a confession..." Roderich said hesitantly._

_"You're secretly in love with another man and you want permission to have an open relationship?" she asked breathlessly._

_He stared. "Uh, no."_

_"Darn."_

_"I'm a prince."_

_"Oh. So you want to whisk me away from this life of drudgery and take me to a palace where servants will serve my every whim?"_

_He nodded._

_"Well that seems like a decent second place prize," she cheerfully replied._

After running off with her musically inclined prince charming, Elizabeta left Feliks and Toris in charge of the inn. Between Feliks's horse skills and Toris's skills with everything else (cooking, cleaning, and being organized), they had no trouble running the place.

* * *

**Angelique and Francis**

After his father and step-mother's, Francis accepted Angelique's invitation to enjoy a relaxing tropical retreat. They sipped wine on the beach, ate delicious fish, and did nothing but bask in the sun all day. Francis even developed a slight tan.

At the one-month mark, Angelique finally worked up the courage to ask a vital question:

"Francis... how do you keep a small amount of stubble when you never shave?"

She had never seen Francis use a shaving cream or razor and she didn't understand how he managed such perfect permastubble. Unless he shaved right before going to bed to make sure he had a 5 o'clock shadow at 5am in the morning.

He smiled and rubbed his petit blond beard. "Because I am le sexy."

Angelique decided that like his summoned roses, it would be an enduring mystery.

* * *

**Katyusha and Mathieu**

Mathieu showed Katyusha how to make pancakes and enjoyed his newfound health, even if everyone continued to forget about his existence.

* * *

**Ivan and Yao**

After Ivan found himself bereft of one sister and joyfully free from the other, he turned to sunflower growing as a hobby. (He had tried it as a hobby before, but Nataliya had a nasty habit of waiting to ambush him near the sunflowers, so he had quit.)

Eventually, he met and befriended the dragon Yao. After Yao learned of his love of chess, the dragon gave him a chess-playing cat as a gift. He named her Kotvana and they spent many happy evenings sitting near the fireplace, playing chess. The only problem was that they both wanted to play red, so Ivan made a new set of dark-red pieces and bright-red pieces. That way, red always won.

* * *

**Lili and Nataliya**

For the first time, Nataliya felt like she had a real friend. She grew out of her obsession with marrying her older brother and decided to find a new hobby. After trying competitive embroidery, dwarf-tossing, and extreme papier-mâché, she discovered a love for rescuing princesses. Nataliya, with her daggers, and Lili, with her anachronistic gun, went from cave to cave, making the world a little safer for princesskind.

* * *

**Kiku's Dating Service**

As Queen of the Dragons and an incorrigible match-maker, Kiku started a dating service to match up princesses and eligible royalty. The King of the Magical Forest was his first and only client. The King wanted to find a partner for his sister Emma so she would spending so much time with her cats. Emma rejected all of their attempts at match-making and in the end, the only new couple was Kiku and the King. Kiku discovered a human transformation spell and they enjoyed a beautiful relationship. Emma lived happily ever after with her cats.

* * *

THE END.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Thank you to everyone for the reviews, follows, and faves! I hope you enjoyed the story, even though I didn't do justice to "Dealing with Dragons" and its sequels. If you haven't read these books before, go! Do it! I'll even make it easy.

Here's a link: go to (www) e-reading-lib (dot org) and search "Dealing with Dragons"

And a snippet to whet your literary appetite:

"We have made the perilous journey through the tunnels to see the Princess Cimorene, newly come to these caverns, to comfort her and together bemoan our sad and sorry fates," the first princess said haughtily. "Tell her we are here."

"I'm Cimorene," Cimorene said. "I don't need comforting, and I'm not particularly sad or sorry to be here, but if you'd like to come in and have some tea, you're welcome to."

And THAT is why Arthur made the perfect Cimorene :)


End file.
